Monthly Archives: December 2001

monday, december 31

2001 was a hard year. False friend’s betrayal and the usual upheaval I seem to attract (create?). But it has been a good year – I still contend it gets better each year. I’m in the best emotional, mental, physical health I’ve ever been in my life (working on the artistic, financial and vocational). I have a loving and caring family. I have a circle of supportive and inspiring friends. I have a great boyfriend (never though I’d write that!). I am staging a transition from the corporate world to one that more closely fits my creativity and life. I produced three one-act plays myself this past March, wrote/directed a serial drama in August, became a poster boy for Jim Beam. I’m getting a piano. I am back in coaching training. I’m doing my own work as a client with a personal coach. I’m rolling out websites this coming month that will help me move away from cubicle-land. Regrets? I like to think I live with no regrets – but I always have a few shoulda coulda wouldas in the back of my mind… I wish I would have learned roller-blading this past summer so I don’t have to have that learning curve with Ron this summer. I wish I would have invested less emotionally in my dayjob. I wish I would have nailed Nick’s ass to the wall sooner. I wish I made more time to write. I wish I’d had less anxiety attacks. I wish I’d used Webvan one last time. I wish I’d been less scared. I think that’s what it all comes down to. Being less scared. Or maybe being more courageous. Or just not giving a shit about looking stupid, dumb, geeky, fat, skinny, pale, ugly, gawky, awkward, nervous, faggy, incompetent, untalented, wrong, unsure, vain, defeated, impolite, self-righteous, weak or not good enough. And allowing myself the freedom to be powerful, intelligent, articiulate, strong, sexy, confident, competent, creative, dynamic, independent, self-reliant, entrepeneurial, honest, funny, calm, energetic, intuitive, athletic, irreverent, unabashed and good enough. I want to stop comparing myself to everyone else and start comparing myself to the better me I imagine myself to become. I am reminded of that magical page in one of Sark’s books:

You have enough.

You do enough.

You are enough.

God bless everyone, everywhere.

monday, december 24

It is approaching midnight… Santa will be climbing onto his sleigh yet again to bring cheer and material goods to all the good little girls and boys. I wish he’d bring me a Vaio. And a Jeep.

I feel tapped out from the past few days… being home is great and it always grounds me and reminds me where I came from and why I’m went where I am and why I’m going where I want to. Right now I just want to be home in Chicago, wrapped up in my big down comforter and someone has come while I was gone and cleaned my house and gotten rid of all of the stuff that I’ll never need for the next year and even done my dishes and restocked my refrigerator to boot. We had dysfunctional family Christmas at Dad’s half-brother’s house. Mom insists their home is modular and not a trailer and then says that Dad’s half-brother’s sister’s house is arriving soon and will be right next to Dad’s half-brother’s sister’s. I said that anytime a house arrives, it’s a trailer. It may be a nice pad with a feng shui – but anytime a house arrives instead of being built – it’s trailer.

Uncle Jack and Cousin Daniel were they’re usual converstaionless selves – I think Annie Sullivan would have liked the challenge. Not that I was the chipper talky either – after 26 years of Christmases with this crew, it is harder than ever to pretend to be polite and interested in people that you see less than three hours during an entire year.

Dinner was at Kunz’s – which is pronounced like the vowel in the word ‘hook’. Stop giggling. We ate lots and my body is beginning to react to the extreme calorie intake that began last Thursday. I will definitely have to buy a weekly pass on the romaine train this coming week.

And this is the first Christmas that I am not going to mass. It seems that as the years go by, we as a family get less and less interested in all the official things that we are supposed to do and wing it a little bit more each time. I think I might write a letter to God tonight.

We did do our customary Santa hat wearing during the evening and visited Aunt Joyce who was alone on Christmas Eve – she was prepping a cache of presents for the visit of her horde tomorrow during the day. We helped her wrap all of her presents up and that was probably one of the nicest Christmas-sy things we could have done all day – short of working at a soup kitchen.

I missed Brigitte’s show on Friday. I’d gone out with Alan – and we hadn’t had Alan/Andy time since before his wedding (and more importantly – before his stint in the nuthouse) – so we had late lunch and then went to see Lord of the Rings. Which was fucking amazing. Stunning moviemaking. Excellent excellent excellent. I am reading the whole shebang now. Such ballsy film-making – we finally get a truly worthy dungeons and dragons movie. So just as the credits run, Brigitte’s show is starting. The thing is this: the role she understudied she was on for this weekend. So we’d all been waiting for this weekend to go see the show. I missed the 8:15 show but there was another one at 10:30. Then Ron called and we had just gotten in from staying with his mom for her thyroid cancer surgery that morning in Milwaukee. He had called late morning and was having having a hard time seeing his mom come out of the surgery – her body was reacting violently to the anesthetic and she also suffers from lupus as well. He was so upset when he called that I couldn’t understand what he was saying first – I feared something much much worse had happened. By the end of the day his mom was feeling better. But I knew that Ron needed some comforting that night so I spent the night with him and missed Brigitte’s show – fully knowing the wrath I would incur. I left a message the next day apologizing for missing the show and that I’d flown home to Indiana safely. She calls the next day and says that she was in hysterics and nearly called and left a nasty message on my cellphone. I’m sure in a week in won’t make a difference but the extremity of her reaction really got to me. I dunno. How many times have I put her friendship first above others and this one day I have all of these people pulling on me for support – along with having to fly home the next day… it was all just a lot to handle. Like I said, I’m sure a few weeks from now it will not be a huge issue but I just got mad that she got as mad as she did. Oh well – I’m sure we’ll both get over ourselves real soon.

I did a great deal of work on my coaching website on Friday. It looks really slick and I want to have it staged for roll-out with the new year. It is entirely managed with MovablyType – a weblog content manager program that I’m probably going to convert this blog over to as well. I used little icons and spots of graphics and it’s gonna be pretty fucking sweet. I’m very proud of myself.

Just finished reading Bomb the Suburbs, a book from a Chicago writer about the collision of hip-hop and white suburbia – among other things. Very though-provoking. It reminds me again about how mainstream my surroundings are lately and how I need to force myself to dip into the crazy diversity that is Chicago. Without getting my white-ass kicked of course.

That’s about all I can write right now – everyone out there have a wonderful and safe Christmas…

Oh, Heather and Brooks and I also went to go see Monsters, Inc. – fucking hysterical movie. So so funny and so so creative. Go see it!

thursday, december 20

I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly: pics from the cookie party and (the long awaited) pictures of Ron and me!

Piggies
at the trough.
Brigitte, Jen, Ray, Ron and Karen
Nice
ass.
Me groping Karen.
Wrapped
in rice.
Rey, Ron and I.
Kentuckians.
Brigitte and I.
Smoke
break.
Ron and Ray.
Cheeseballs.
Ron and I.

I just pigged out. I’d

I just pigged out. I’d done very good since Monday in adhering to a 5-6 meals a day with a 40-30-30 (protein/carbs/fat) profile. I had re-read my latest diet/training manual and it said to get your body fat down under 10% before doing a mass-gaining diet – I was at 17%. So I have been dutifully eating my cottage cheese and rice cakes and hardboiled eggs and chicken and brown rice and was being very organized. I temporarily fell off the wagon. Oh well… I think the CTI training this weekend got me in this frame of mind where things have to change right now – that as a coach you are your product. And part of me is just thinking that I want to look a certain way and have certain things and I might as well get started on them now, right?

Laurie, a former co-worker that moved to Madison to be a executive coach is a great contact for me right now. She keeps things focused on making money: ‘Yeah, we want to help people. But if we just wanted to help people, we’d do charity work.’ That’s her – always keeping the eyes on the prize. She just arranged to have her own radio segment on the local radio in a few months. She keeps me focused and inspired.

Coach training rocked by the way and I’m going to rollout my first web product for coaches at the beginning of next year. Very excited about this.

Just talked to someone in the know about our end of year bonus and they said that last year it didn’t get it until April. My first reaction was: I gotta stay around here until April? I probably will anyway – I want to see if they’ll pay for my other two coaching courses with Coaches Training Institute. I’ll have cleared their second level of training and then all I need is a big ass grant of $3,300 for the half a year certification process – if I even want to go that far.

wednesday, december 19

Yesterday an announcement went out at work about our security passes:

Where should employees wear their IDs?

IDs should be worn about chest height, so they are easily visible.

What should you do when you encounter a person not displaying an ID?

Politely ask the person if he or she is a employee, and if so, whether he or she has an ID. If the person does not have an ID, direct the person to the lobby security desk and call Security to notify them of the situation.

Good morning citizen, I do not see your ID this morning. Please explain yourself… take him to Room 101!

I had a dream last night that I was inside a school for the blind and I was having to fake blindness to avoid being caught or singled out… I was trying to choose a train line but knew that I couldn’t go by color since I was supposed to be blind. Later on, I’m chasing this woman from the streets through the building and I hurl my journal at her, like a chinese star, and it hits her in the back of the neck – she’s a little stunned but keeps running. Wow: playing blind to not get caught and using writing as a weapon.

thursday, december 13

from Mike:

Hey Andy,

I really enjoy reading your online journal and thought that you might enjoy this web page:

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

After reading your most recent post about “freaking out” over the caricaure I thought that the results of the test might freak you out even more.

From a loyal reader and fan,

MIKE

P.S. If you ever start a cult, drop me a line and I will be first in line for the Kool-Aid:)

Thanks Mike! My scores are as follows:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Click Here To Take The Test

wednesday, december 12

Every once in a while the universe turns the world upside down – or at least tweaks reality enough to freak you out. In my journal this morning I was writing how I feel completely out of control of my time and work and projects and that I am running myself ragged trying to get all these different things done. I ended my journal with: ‘I need to open it up.’ Meaning – I need to open all my chaos up and look for a response… the worst part about getting all New Age-y sometimes is when it works and you have to sort of admit that there is such a thing as serendipity… as I left the gym from my final boxing lesson this ragged look guy sitting on the stairs asked me if I was Andy. I said, ‘I’m an Andy.’ (another Andy had left right before me) This guy was an illustrator and he’d made a caricature drawing of Jerome and I boxing. I gave him ten bucks for it. I’m am totally freaked out by this.

saturday, december 8

Today’s assigned reading is the lyrics to Prince’s Sexy M. F.:

Guard your folks and get your daughter
The sexy motherfucker’s so fine I could drink her bathwater
A long, leggy 5’8′
Packing an ass as tight as a grape
I want to spit some game but I said to myself
Hmmm…Just conversate
Cuz I’m usually quite the calm one
You never found me out prowling boy
I’m just havin’ fun
But I’m happy 2 change my state of mind for this behind
I bet that if you threw that ass into the air it would turn into sunshine

When I was running light board for a produciton of Twelfth Night, Lingo was the assistant stage manager and she’d sing on the headsets: Sexy Andy shakin’ dat ass, shakin’ dat ass, shakin’ dat ass. Prince always makes me think of Alan – I trust he is safe.

Extra credit is spending time to thorought appreciate the Gett Off. Reminds me of something James used to say…

friday, december 7

Got all the dry ingredients mixed together for the sugar cookie dough, the Gingerbread dough and the chocolate chip cookie dough. Have also surveyed the cabinets to make sure I have the proper groceries for chili, salsa, brown rice, wassail and hot chocolate. Very excited. I am trying to do this in steps so I don’t go nuts tomorrow. I’m going to mix all the doughs tomorrow morning so they can chill and set a day (always makes them bake better and chilled dough is always easier to work with). Plus, I want to spend time with Ron and I know if I have The Party looming over my head I won’t enjoy myself.

The below post will be

The below post will be updated soon – once my post I revised to email to my home email makes it through our goddamned firewall at work. Come to think of it – none of my emails I’ve sent myself have made it through yet. Ruh-roh.

Crazy past few days:

The company I work for laid of 1,850 people on Wednesday – a 10% reduction in workforce. I was not in this round (I pretty much knew that already). Part of me wanted to be laid off just to give me the kick I feel like I need to get my ass out of this company and get my life back on track.

Ron and I celebrated three months of dating. I recently joined Ballys and we’ve been working out together. Though going there in the evenings when all the Beautiful People come out to play is enough to give one an eating disorder.

One of my best friends flipped out and ended up in a mental hospital. He’s still there. He said: ‘Either I’m bi-polar or I’m a god walking the earth.’ I assured him it was probably the former. He says he only has the manic side – I told him that’s why we work so well together (I’m the depressive)… this is his second time in the nut-house… he seemed stabilized and a little more balanced than he was a week ago.

It is amazing to me my shifts in esteem and attitude on a daily basis. I think it is working where I work. The rage of corporate working can go one of two ways – it can enrage you into action or pummel you into submissions. I vacillate (oscillate?) between the two. I just want to come home and sleep all night.

I got a call-back to host a TV show.

I spent too much time with Ron this week. I know I did. It’s because he got released for Monday and Tuesday. I need to make sure I’m not using him to keep from Taking Care of Bidness or Doing the Lord’s Work.

Came out to one of my co-workers today. She’s building a personal coaching business and I mentioned that no one seemed to be touching on LGBT side of things – she’s attacking the black-community side of things. She said: ‘How would you be able to approach them with that?” I explained things. She was all surprised. That’s so funny. I mean I don’t swish up and down the cubicles with a big rainbow shirt but I figured the lycra/cotton blend shirts would tip her off.