Read that they are removing the Seinfeld episode where George’s fiance dies from licking an envelope… but they didn’t manage to cut tonight’s syndicated Simpsons where the Y2K bug causes planes to fall from the sky.
So sleepy. Did a ridiculous thing yesterday. Ron was waiting to get called in to sit on standby all night so I ditched work early, got a haircut and went to dinner with him. Then he went to O’Hare and I went home – got a lot of work done on a database for a website. Then he called at 10:30 and he’d been released so I met him at his place and we had later dinner. Woke up at 7am to get to work. Very sleepy. He’s out all of today…
Had a good weekend. Heather, Brooks and I went to the Jack Daniel BBQ Festival in Lynchburg, TN where all the BBQ recipes have Jack Daniel’s whiskey in them. We also toured the distillery which is quite amazing. They filter their whisey through 14 feet of pine charcoal to get it extra smooth. I have a much better idea of how whiskey gets made. Still prefer vodka though – I’d love to tour the Absolut distillery but I bet it stanks to high heavin’. We had good ribs and pulled pork samwiches though – I think pulled pork is a funny word. Zzz. Otherwise, it was a quiet weekend and it was just night to be around my sister – I now have a pre-occupation with kitties and condos! They have a great house… yeah, the front is still sort of retro but it is a very comfy house full of lots and lots of books and cats. We watched The Giftwhich rocked and Raising Arizona which remains one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen – and it gets better each time you see it. Son, you got a pan’y on yore head. Heather also gave me a massage – she learned about the back and the backs of the legs this past week in her training. She did a great job. She does those cool strokes where it feels so good and continuous that you can’t tell what parts of the hands are being used. Yay Heather! They even allocated a room in the house for her massage table and she’s got all the fruity oils and candles – but much better massage music than the usual Douche Commercial Hit Parade.
I just remembered how my old girlfriend Amy and I thought ‘pussy’ was such a gross word. We’d say ‘C’mere ya pussay!’ to entertain ourselves. I will never forget our frantic game of Hide the Hickey when her room-mates came home and no one knew then that we were commingling. Almost had to play Hide the Hickey one of the first dates Ron and I had but luckily my knit shirt fell in just the right place on my neck.
Just bought tickets to see Margaret Cho in two weeks The Notorios C.H.O – Ron and I are going to go together. She’s partially the reason I met him – he was reading her book and that was my inroad to striking a conversation with him.
email from dad:
the most important changes in my life have come from raising a family.I am a better father that I was when you two went throught the program.I am embaressed by the rage that I felt and still feel in my life.I always wanted a dad;I tried to be my dad and was poor because I imposed the structure that I had missed.
Yor mother is the most wounderful person I have ever met.
Heather was the love of my life and I wanted her to be happy and I think she is I worry about the impact of her job on her at sush a young age.I trust that the choice for childern will be made with the understanding the sacriface that you make to have and raise children.
You my love are my light and I want you to be happy .I don’t understand the attraction for another man but that’s not my call I tust that the time that you and Ron spend together is loving and provide you with great companionship.
Life is a great challengr and we have to little time not to be with people you will lve us and watch us grow.
I love children and the fun and innocents that they bring to life a very clear picture of right and wrong.The other day I stoped and listened to the children say the pledge and was filled with wonderment that I am a teacher.I give the kids hope and love and discipline.In return I become part of their life for ever..same trade….I lookat the teachers that have had an impact on your life and am thasnkful for that.
From: Heather (my sister)
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE
DO NOT GET A STUDIO APARTMENT, YOU MORON!
YOU”LL SHOOT YOURSELF AND MOM WILL MAKE ME COME UP AND CLEAN IT.
I HAVE THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON – DOES IT FEEL LIKE I”M YELLING AT YOU????
That’s the good thing about having a bad-ass for a sister.
I’m getting this weird bug in my ass to try and move into a studio apartment for a year and sublet my current apartment so I can save money for The Condo. There’s a studio for under $400 a few blocks away from me right now. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me I’m nuts. Tell me that once I’m snowed in it will be like The Shining and the two twins will show up in my bathroom and say Come play with us, Andy… for-evah and evah…
Saw Mulholland Drive last night. Fantastic movie. Nobody pans a camera through a house like David Lynch. Very very very creepy movie. I highly recommend it. It reminded me of how much I love and respect David Lynch for his deeply personal vision. The movie is long-ish… but just when you start to get antsy the entire movie flips upside down. I think I’ve figured it out though – I spent the morning scouring the net for explanations of the movie and found a really good one on Yahoo! – not going to point to it though – I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. I got so nervous when the one guy confronted his fear in the back of a restaurant… very chilling. And hot girl-on-girl action – how can you not like it?
Also finished I’m the One That I Want by Margaret Cho – I’d only seen the film of her stand-up show by the same name and it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. The book goes into a lot more depth and a lot more pain but still emerges with the same triumphant vision and gusto that makes Cho great. I think it came out on DVD this week – see it – you’ll piss yourself. It goes on my short list of mother-fuckin’ funny movies along with Best in Show and Addamm’s Family Values.
My sides are sore from boxing today. And I forgot my wallet and everything else today. I didn’t eat the proper nutritional stuff for breakfast. Wah. Wah wah.
Seen lots of Ron this week. Karen took us out to dinner for me walking her dog the week the hotel opened. We got to look at the rooms at the hotel – they are phat. I rarely ever use that word but in this case I will. They’re fuckin’ phat. Sexy. Ron’s now determined to turn his studio apartment into a W room. Ron and I hung out on Tuesday night and talked and talked… imagine – two guys talking. Who knew that would happen?
Almost done burning up my minutes I bought at the fake bake this summer. I have another 24 minutes left in the sun capsule. My ceiling is 8 minutes – otherwise I get racoon eyes. Wondering if I should do a weekly exposure throughout the winter – maybe it will help my mood.
Stumbled upon a calendar by illustrator Joe Phillips – I’m gonna get one… great illustrations of guys that are handsome but don’t have that dark dysfunctional sexuality to them – they’re very joyous drawings – like the one of a big party where it’s all couples hooking up and getting it on and on the couch sit two guys with beers – quietly smiling and holding hands and enjoying being together… There’s a calendar of girls out too that is the same kind sentiment.
I talked to Ron about something that I don’t think I’ve ever really verbalized (except for talking it out alone)… that I notice a major difference in my attraction to men and women… I always knew I had a different kind of attraction to guys. I’d see fitness magazines or ads or movies and think I want to be like that. To me – it is a very small cross from strong feelings of I want to be like him to I want to be with him… a guy could go from an object of inspiration to adoration. It’s very easy to do. I still contend that many more guys feel like this and don’t address it for whatever reason. And I’m struck at how attraction for me is still about intellect more than anything – the face as well. Nice shoulders and abs – I’ve got those at home – they’re nice to have though. . But my attraction to women is more someone I could collaborate with in building a life instead of building separate lives together. Does that make any sense?
And the mechanics of sex for me don’t get in the way – this is what I do with someone I love/lust. I guess for a guy that was a bottom it might be more difficult – I wonder if straight guys can be bottoms? Do they just not enjoy be the ‘giving’ party during hetero sex but secret wish for a little buttplay? Do they ‘accidentally’ rent videos like Bend Over Boyfriend and hope that their girlfriends will try strapping one on? And did I really just use the word buttplay? As my sister always reminds me – there are so many axes on this whole spectrum… sexual attraction, kink, born gender, raised gender, sex roles, power plays, self-esteem… I guess I just don’t see what I’m doing being that deviant from everything else. Same-sex couples are boring anymore. Who cares? There’s no reason I can’t have the same choices and life cycle… if I wanted – that’s the clincher. In this case all the accoutrements of the straight(er) world are choices. Engagement, marriage, kids… all the rest – these choices are more evident – while an opposite sex couple has these choices as expectations (like when my sis gets riled that mom and dad still get chapped that she moved in with her boyfriend and bought a house with him but if I had a long-term male ‘room-mate’ it wouldn’t make them as mad). I don’t know if this is making any sense but it is something I’ve thought about for a long time and I never did really committ to writing it.
Well friends, I did the un-thinkable. In an effort to cut costs and reach solvency by the end of this year I have temporarily suspended my cable modem and cable TV. The modem went off immediately. I really wasn’t using the fast connection for more than Limewire or stuff like that so I don’t think I’ll be suffering all that much.
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Paganism (97%)
3. New Age (97%)
4. Liberal Quaker (91%)
5. Liberal Protestant (85%)
6. Secular Humanism (74%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (71%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (70%)
9. Scientology (61%)
10. Taoism (60%)
11. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (59%)
12. New Thought (59%)
13. Reform Judaism (56%)
14. Sikhism (49%)
15. Orthodox Quaker (48%)
16. Atheism and Agnosticism (40%)
17. Bah?’? (36%)
18. Latter-day Saint (Mormon) (36%)
19. Hinduism (34%)
20. Jainism (31%)
21. Jehovah’s Witness (27%)
22. Conservative Protestant (24%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
24. Orthodox Judaism (15%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (12%)
26. Islam (12%)
27. Roman Catholic (12%)
I’m all a-giggle. I just ran spell check on a HTML presentation and luckily it caught the following sentence… I’d meant to type:
Places responsibility for development in the needs of the individual; you ‘own’ the data
but instead I’d typed:
Places responsibility for development in the nads of the individual; you ‘own’ the data
That’s what two hours of sleep will do for you.
(It is 2:15 am and I can’t go to sleep. I stayed online until about 12:30. IM’ed with Ron till 11:30. Timmy was online too – he wants to be friends again – we were never really friends in the first place – he still blames me for stealing Richard from him even though Richard gladly dated me – no one steals or seduces anyone from anything that is such complete and utter bullshit and it drives me nuts. I am manic right now. I can’t sit still. I’m sorting the laundry I did on Wednesday now and trying to get it all put away but I know that I won’t get it done. It is times like this that I am most like my father. Up at night and unable to sleep – obsessing about what hasn’t happened yet. What we were supposed to have done by now. Of all the things and opportunities and chances that we have missed and thrown away or been to scared to explore. I am enveloped in fear sometimes. It is insane. I’m supposed to be up in three hours to go to the gym and workout. I feel crazed right now. I think of all the things that I was supposed to have accomplished by the Fall of 2001 and entering into winter. And the list just gets longer the more that I think about it. I was supposed to have started a personal coaching practice by now. Along with completing a novel and some plays and some screen plays and getting my SAF and AFTRA cards and having a voiceover demo tape and have been out of debt and had mutual funds figured out and arranged and in place and mature financial policies in order. I was supposed to be really buff by now and modeling and not having anxiety attacks anymore. I was supposed to have gotten over so many things that still loom large in my life – things that I know I will just pass through again and again. I keep thinking about having kids and being so worried that no one will like them. What do you do when your kid comes home and cries all night because no one likes him? I think of my classmate Nicole and her great success and how jealous I am and how I try to metabolize that into proof that It Can Be Done. But I have so many Its that I want to do. And what if no one wants to play with my kids? What if they get chosen last all the time for the team like I was? I vow to give birth to super-human kids: athletic and academic and artistic… sons and daughters with strong bodies and quick minds – kids that don’t take shit off the assholes that slap them on the forehead their freshman year in high school and tell them to stop crying even though they aren’t. That if I have a husband and my kids get told that their fathers are fucking faggots that they tell little Susie Slutstick and Greg Jockstrap they’re cunts and summon some serious Van Damme-age. Clarity is madness. Realizing that this thing you call a dayjob is just settling. That surrounding yourself with people who aren’t striving makes it a lot more difficult for you to do so as well. That it’s not bad enough to leave but it’s not good enough to stay. But what do you do when a war is coming to a theatre near you and the economy is in the shit-hole and you missed the boat on the internet boom you should have been there and sucked the bastards dry like everyone else and you still wonder if you’l ever get lucky whatever the hell that means and who the hell wants to put up with these mood swings for the rest of their life? And this crazy live theatre thing and where does it belong and no one really cares about it and it is just a useless relic that is out of touch and too expensive to produce and be viable and useful. And I’ve already figured out that when the Sears Tower goes down that I’m running east and then north. I could be home in an hour if I can run fast enough. If I can get out of my own building.)
I’ve been having the urge to get a tattoo again. I keep obsessing about this for a few weeks at a time. Yeah, I know it’ll look faded when I get older – but it’s on that list of things I think I’ll regret having not done. Maybe I can convince Heather to dive in with me. And I want to shave my head and get my ear pierced. Extreme changes seem to be broiling underneath the sur-face.
I hate when people use the word guesstimate – it’s redundant – an estimation by definition is a guess. And guesstimate just qualifies your data with less accuracy – so why offer up the data at all if it isn’t accurate? I’m constantly surprised how much of my obsessions involve accuracy and politeness. Like the whole gay/bi thing. Yes, right now I’m dating a man. But yes, I still find women attractive. I just want to be accurate. Or if I get home and realize I forgot to thank someone for the car-ride or for paying for dinner I’ll even call them up or email them the next day.
Call for submissions: I’ve been invited to a Come As You Aren’t Party (Anthony’s birthday party). The theme is really doppelganger but people keep getting confused. What is my opposite? I see myself as being so whole and balanced that I don’t have a very good perspective. I thought of doing something really military or really jockish. Something ultra-agressive. I dunno. Email me what you think.