I'm getting this weird bug

I’m getting this weird bug in my ass to try and move into a studio apartment for a year and sublet my current apartment so I can save money for The Condo. There’s a studio for under $400 a few blocks away from me right now. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me I’m nuts. Tell me that once I’m snowed in it will be like The Shining and the two twins will show up in my bathroom and say Come play with us, Andy… for-evah and evah…

Saw Mulholland Drive last night. Fantastic movie. Nobody pans a camera through a house like David Lynch. Very very very creepy movie. I highly recommend it. It reminded me of how much I love and respect David Lynch for his deeply personal vision. The movie is long-ish… but just when you start to get antsy the entire movie flips upside down. I think I’ve figured it out though – I spent the morning scouring the net for explanations of the movie and found a really good one on Yahoo! – not going to point to it though – I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. I got so nervous when the one guy confronted his fear in the back of a restaurant… very chilling. And hot girl-on-girl action – how can you not like it?

Also finished I’m the One That I Want by Margaret Cho – I’d only seen the film of her stand-up show by the same name and it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. The book goes into a lot more depth and a lot more pain but still emerges with the same triumphant vision and gusto that makes Cho great. I think it came out on DVD this week – see it – you’ll piss yourself. It goes on my short list of mother-fuckin’ funny movies along with Best in Show and Addamm’s Family Values.

My sides are sore from boxing today. And I forgot my wallet and everything else today. I didn’t eat the proper nutritional stuff for breakfast. Wah. Wah wah.

Seen lots of Ron this week. Karen took us out to dinner for me walking her dog the week the hotel opened. We got to look at the rooms at the hotel – they are phat. I rarely ever use that word but in this case I will. They’re fuckin’ phat. Sexy. Ron’s now determined to turn his studio apartment into a W room. Ron and I hung out on Tuesday night and talked and talked… imagine – two guys talking. Who knew that would happen?

Almost done burning up my minutes I bought at the fake bake this summer. I have another 24 minutes left in the sun capsule. My ceiling is 8 minutes – otherwise I get racoon eyes. Wondering if I should do a weekly exposure throughout the winter – maybe it will help my mood.

Stumbled upon a calendar by illustrator Joe Phillips – I’m gonna get one… great illustrations of guys that are handsome but don’t have that dark dysfunctional sexuality to them – they’re very joyous drawings – like the one of a big party where it’s all couples hooking up and getting it on and on the couch sit two guys with beers – quietly smiling and holding hands and enjoying being together… There’s a calendar of girls out too that is the same kind sentiment.

I talked to Ron about something that I don’t think I’ve ever really verbalized (except for talking it out alone)… that I notice a major difference in my attraction to men and women… I always knew I had a different kind of attraction to guys. I’d see fitness magazines or ads or movies and think I want to be like that. To me – it is a very small cross from strong feelings of I want to be like him to I want to be with him… a guy could go from an object of inspiration to adoration. It’s very easy to do. I still contend that many more guys feel like this and don’t address it for whatever reason. And I’m struck at how attraction for me is still about intellect more than anything – the face as well. Nice shoulders and abs – I’ve got those at home – they’re nice to have though. . But my attraction to women is more someone I could collaborate with in building a life instead of building separate lives together. Does that make any sense?

And the mechanics of sex for me don’t get in the way – this is what I do with someone I love/lust. I guess for a guy that was a bottom it might be more difficult – I wonder if straight guys can be bottoms? Do they just not enjoy be the ‘giving’ party during hetero sex but secret wish for a little buttplay? Do they ‘accidentally’ rent videos like Bend Over Boyfriend and hope that their girlfriends will try strapping one on? And did I really just use the word buttplay? As my sister always reminds me – there are so many axes on this whole spectrum… sexual attraction, kink, born gender, raised gender, sex roles, power plays, self-esteem… I guess I just don’t see what I’m doing being that deviant from everything else. Same-sex couples are boring anymore. Who cares? There’s no reason I can’t have the same choices and life cycle… if I wanted – that’s the clincher. In this case all the accoutrements of the straight(er) world are choices. Engagement, marriage, kids… all the rest – these choices are more evident – while an opposite sex couple has these choices as expectations (like when my sis gets riled that mom and dad still get chapped that she moved in with her boyfriend and bought a house with him but if I had a long-term male ‘room-mate’ it wouldn’t make them as mad). I don’t know if this is making any sense but it is something I’ve thought about for a long time and I never did really committ to writing it.






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