tuesday, june 19

Lifted and ran this morning. SO hungry right now but trying to do the two hour wait after cardio before eating. Sometimes I wonder if my fitness obsession is even worth it. I figure that I’ve come this far and look like I do now so why not go the extra mile and really get ripped? Testing for the web app is going well – kina – better than I thought or would have suspected that’s for sure. Trying to decide if I want to wake up early Saturday and go audition for Popstars. Their age cut-off is 25 though. Hmm…

Testing for our online web app has gone well – started 12 hours late but it finally got underway yesterday afternoon and responses have been good.

Got my hair cut today. Probably the most traditionally masculine place I frequent would be Frank’s Barber Shop on Van Buren. Though my barber’s name is Lisa. She’s a stitch and her ogling always puts me in a good mood. Our time together always concludes with her holding the mirror behind me so I can check out the back of my neck in the front mirror and I look off to the side and say things like ‘Hey…’ or ‘How ya doin’?’ as if I’m cruising to the side at a bar stool. We have way too much fun cutting my hair. Got it a little longer than usual since I have headshots on Monday morning.

Not too ‘gayed’ up about pride weekend this weekend. I think since the past two weekends were so busy I just want a quiet one. It is funny that last year at this time I was a party machine. CuntBastard and I would have dinner and then toss down three martinis each and head out to the clubs till about three and then have breakfast and even get Krispy Kremes. That was a strange period of partying – sort of making up for all the partying I didn’t do in college. I don’t regret the fun times we had. But the impending crash of a destructive ‘friend’ship was forseeable from even this far back. I try to Let Go and Let God but I wish CuntBastard much ill will. I hope he gets battery acid enemas and prison rape for a thrice daily dessert. I know I should let God take care of things on God’s Time. But God didn’t owe the IRS $12,000 now did s/he? It is funny how during the actual investigation and tracking down process of the CuntBastard saga I didn’t have an anxiety attack. I was calm and cool and detached. I think that reality had become so unreal that I just had no point of reference to freak out over anything. And then today I have a brief anxious episode when two people are at my cubicle at the same time. I’m considering if I should go back on anti-depressants or what. It is crippling to constantly live in fear that your face is going to turn bright red and sweat is going to pour from your forehead and everyone is staring at you. And you just have to wait it out – no amount of yoga or breathing or affirmation or psychobabble bullshit seems able to extricate you from this tendency to over-heat. Yavgeny, my acupuncturist (my newest alternative healing venture to attack this malady) says that it is my internal body heat energy from the Water elemental energy in my Kidneys and having too much defensive chi. It gets to the point where you aren’t having anxiety attacks over a situation – but the anticipation of having an anxiety attack over the situation. A meta-anxiety attack. I knew I’d get meta one way or another. It is embarrassing and awful. That I can dance shirtless in front of a crowd all come hither but if someone closes a door at a meeting I start to freak out. It is the perfect impediment to my progress – totally irrational so I can’t combat it with my usual mental arsenal. Totally unpredictable. What am I so scared of? Why do I allow myself to live in this much fear? When did someone tell me I wasn’t good enough so deeply that I believed them? It is so ridiculous but it holds me back. I can’t walk into a photo shoot or an audition in this state – I have before and it is always a disaster. I don’t mind being a nervous wreck – I just hate showing it. And then to hear people describe me as totally confident and unshakable and unstoppable floors me. I feel so bored lately. Nothing seems to be grabbing my attention lately. I’ve lost touch with my dreams. Everything seems so hopeless. This whole 20th birthday of AIDS thing has affected me more than I’d ever think. 40 million people in sub-Saharan Africa. That is just so fucking unreal. And the politics and manipulations with the issue in the United States on both sides of the coin. AIDS is the perfect disease, striking us in one of our weakest parts of our selves – our libido. In a world that glorifies constant sex with multiple partners it was perfectly calibrated to destroy and raze generations of men, women and children. It reminds that every sexual act or union is more than exchange of hearts or lusts – it is a physical exchange that can explode beyond the two people and affect an entire society. We are responsible. We are all responsible with every sex act we do. Every decision can affect how this monster behaves and spreads. I think I’m over-reacting to one side from a very Catholic morality but I know that if I logged on to some chat rooms there’d be a world of ‘consequence’-less sex available to my door within a half-hour. I see AIDS as coming up through the classes in this country as violence has – there will be some Columbine-like event where all of sudden we wake up and straight rich white kids are dying off in record numbers and it will be too late. So I sit here feeling creatively barren and emotionally empty at this crazy world.






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