Just got an email from a guy wanting to be my houseboy:
Experience: Maintained household for past 12 years.
Skills: Laundry- Capable of completing this task however I don’t separate colors. I haven’t had any serious problems with this thus far (at least who’s to know I wear pink underwear). An all or mostly white wardrobe is encouraged as bleach will aid in removing any other unwanted discolorations such as pink shirts and socks.
Cooking- Capable of preparing square meals and not out of a box. Culinary experience ranges from advanced to experimental. Some prepared meals are preferred to be served with beer or wine, the higher the alcohol content the better the meal tastes. I prepare a lasagna to kill for without the wine.
Cleaning- Capable of performing daily housekeeping tasks. I perform
periodic tasks as well such as mopping the floors (requires close proximity to garden hose faucet).
Maintenance abilities- Practical reasoning indicates if it is broken there isn’t much I could do to make it worse. I may attempt to repair anything however encourage replacement first. I am experienced in many other
household routines (i.e. painting… don’t like it but I’ll do it).
General strengths- Capable of going to the stereo or TV and changing the station when the
remote can’t be found. In addition I am capable of connecting home entertainment centers and programming them as well. Can clean dishes without the assistance of a dishwasher when necessary. Able to make the bed so long as a large heavy comforter is provided to cover up the wrinkles. Trained at pest extermination such as mice as long as firearms are legal in said community.
But the guy is 33. Yikes. That’s a houseman, man.