Funniest Jokes of All Time

My favorites from the list of 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time:

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”


A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”


I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.”


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”


When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.


I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.


We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey.


I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.


I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.






10 responses to “Funniest Jokes of All Time”

  1. Joe Avatar

    Old, weak and pretty lousy jokes

  2. mark Avatar

    Ive never heard any except the 3 word prostitute one and I know a LOT of jokes. These were pretty funny.

  3. Judy Avatar

    Funny and nice.

  4. Franklin Avatar

    I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. I love good classic jokes, ooh, I gotta pee.

  5. Daryl Avatar

    Credit where credit is due… the “pin the blame” joke is from Richard Lewis, and the french toast one is Steven Wright…

  6. skippy Avatar

    several of those are from steven wright, a brilliant comic.

  7. Rich Dymon Avatar
    Rich Dymon

    I always liked when a woman walks into a bar, and she has a duck under her arm. The bartender looks over and screams, ” Hey, get that pig outta here.” The woman yells back, “That’s a duck not a pig.” The bartender replies, “shut up lady, I’m talking to the duck…” Good jokes

  8. ikitty13 Avatar

    loved the dark jokes

  9. curtis eads Avatar
    curtis eads

    these are not the funniest jokes these rate in the bottom thousand and your not funny and your mamma so stupid shes stupid

  10. Sada Avatar

    Well curtis eads… maybe if you posted jokes that you thought WERE funny someone could believe you… >.

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