In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I have decided to blog my Festivus Airing of Grievances. I figure I’ll wrestle with Ron for our Feats of Strength.
1. I think George W. Bush represents the very worst of America in every possible way. When he speaks it is like having an ice pick gently tapping on my corneas. I can’t stand to hear him talk, can barely stand to see him on the telly and cannot wait until he second term is up. This is of course barring any attempt to get the amendment changed so he can run a third term or there’s some kind of attack in the last months of his term and he tries to pull a Giuliani.
2. The Democrat Party. They erred on the safe side and provided a lukewarm, lackluster, charismatic black hole of a candidate that could barely differentiate himself from his opponent. I thought Kerry started to warm up and show his stripes towards the end but it was too little too late. I think that the party is going to have to get just as ruthless as the Repulicans if they want to gain respect and power. They need to focus on the old adage, ‘All politics is local’ and start with supporting Dem candidates for things as local as a school board or mayor. I look forward to a major debate on the future of the party – if it will continue to be a warm slimy womb for corporate interests or will regain respect as a advocate of worker’s rights and morality.
3. Kenneth Lay. I’m still angry that you aren’t behind bars. You also represent the very worst that this country has to offer. I hope you are rotting on the inside and that one day your outsides can decay as well. You are a dusty husk of a once-man.
4. Howard Dean. You had such great energy and charisma – you could have pulled it on. But you let the Dean Scream define you in the media and spiraled downward from there.
5. The rest of the White House leadership team. I’m consistently amazed at your complete disregard for human decency and equality. The fervor for which you’ve advanced torture as a tool of war is repugnant and revolting and desecrates generations of progress in basic human rights. At every turn you’ve offered fear instead of hope, warfare in the place of diplomacy, brattish brazen impatience in the place of careful movement, unilateral imperialist hubris in the place of cooperative global community.
6. Britney Spears. You’ve managed to show you true colors as Looziana trailer trash with your constant grabs for attention. Congratulations on pissing your career down the toilet. You never could sing, could barely dance, but your tits kept you afloat – and your vaginal navel. Good luck on the MILF training.
7. Dan Rather. You gave the right fodder by not showing follow-through. You displayed you ignorance of technology and it’s impact on public opinion.
8. Michael Moore. Excellent, searing movie. You waited too long to respond to the attacks and should have published that annotated script at the exact same time as the movie was released. You crytallized a mother’s pain for the ages into a profound and moving anti-war statement. Stay out of your own movies. The subject matter speaks for itself.
9. CIA. Can you just admit you overthrew Aristide? As well as helping the efforts to flip Venezuela. You’re really not fooling anybody.
10. Karl Rove. You are a master and a magician. And a danger to every living person in this world.
11. United Airlines. You ignore the knowledge and expertise and opinion inherent in your workforce as your company slides deeper into the shitpit.
12. Hunks at the gym. You’re pencil legs don’t impress anyone. At least have the decency to do squats at least once a month. And stop tanning for God’s sake. Point made: you’re bronze, okay? You win!
13. Mother with double-wide strollers. You are the SUVs of the sidewalk. Especially when there’s only one kid in the stroller and the other side is filled with your bags and purchases. Get a double-deep stroller, you’ll come off as les of a selfish American asshole.
14. Middle-to-lower class Americans. Congratulations on demonstrating your complete ignorance of your economic livelihood and mobility. I hope you’ll pick up a torch when it’s time to invade the gated communities.
15. Steroid using athletes. Really. I mean come on. Can’t you just admit that you’re entire profession has jack shit to do with sportsmanship and ‘doing it for the kids’ and all to do with keeping your million-dollar contracts. I don’t fault you for taking steroids – if anybody can afford the careful eye of a doctor to ensure your liver doesn’t blow up – it’s you.
16. “Fags.’ You know who I mean. Sometimes I play Chris Rocks ‘niggers vs black people’ routine in my head and replace it with ‘faggots vs gays’. Drop the drama and maybe you’ll get some equal rights. Shit. Find something real to talk about besides drugs, dicks, divas and DJs.
17. Motorola or Nextel or whoever. Whoever makes those goddamn phones with the walkie-talkie feature. It was fine and useful if you are at a construction site but to put an annoying beep before every missive uttered by a San-Andreas-wannabe is too much. Damn you for making such an annoying product.
18. NPR and PBS. Grow some balls. Get more stuff like Frontline up there. Congress is going to destroy you anyway – might as well go out in a lblaze of glory.
19. Mainstream news. Also please grow some balls. Don’t you realize how well dissent can sell? Have you learned nothing from the bestseller lists of the past year? If the Pentagon Papers came out today they would have been scuttled. There’s a reason why the internet bubbles with a story first – because they have the balls to investigate. Didn’t anybody watch the movie Network. I vote for a commercial-less, ad-free, no lead anchor broadcast that tells the news from the citizens witnessing it.
20. Users of the phrase ‘Whatever’. Merely saying ‘Whatever’ isn’t really a retort. It doesn’t make you automatically win a conversation. See also: ‘Talk to the hand’.
21. Deborah Norville. How can you look at yourself in the morning. Holy God.
22. Larry King. Can you get a back brace or something? YOu are an undisputed master but that doesn’t mean it’s fun to see you hang lower to the tabletop each night.
23. David Letterman. You’re not funny. Retire.
24. Catholic Church. You and I have had a long history of disagreement that shows no end in sight. If you’re not going to help in the equality of all of God’s children, then you’re can’t represent everyone. You’re are only about 100 years behind reality. It’s time to catch up.