I realized on New Year’s Eve that that celebrated the three-anniversary that I came out to Matt. I remeber when I told Heather and she was very excited: ‘Woohoo! That’s great – I think we’re all bisexual anyway – so what have you done?!’ Matt had rented out a bar for the night and we all chipped in and it was probably one of the most fun New Year’s celebrations I’ve ever been at – surrounded by friends. We even had Furby that we were teaching obscentities. Matt was excited to hear it – especially after the night a year before where he tried to get me really drunk and get me to admit that I was gay or whatever. It’s funny that I still cringe on the inside when I hear the word ‘gay’. I don’t challenge anymore the fact that I truly think that I’m bisexual (and I find myself having straight sex fantasies lately… shhh… don’t tell Ron). I just can’t deny the intense attractions and emotions I’ve had for/with women. I just don’t want to make a commotion about it. I’m going to Kate’s wedding this weekend and none of my high school chums know and I really don’t think a wedding is the place to do it – it’s not my day – it’s Kate’s. They’ll be surprised probably but then say, ‘well he is awfully creative and organized.’ Ron and I rented In and Out… I’d never seen it. Great movie by super-funny Paul Rudnick and Kevin Klein did a great job (we’d just watched Addams Family movie – the first one – and Ron loves Joan Cusack so we rented this). I wonder if gay humour will ever progress beyond the easy-reach strategies of Barbara Streisand or feigning ghetto-bitch attitude. Like I wonder if black people wonder if black sitcoms will ever rise above their easily stereotyped – ‘oh naw she di’n’t’ routine… I had to turn off Bernie Mac last night because he kept using the phrase ‘baby-girl’ when addressing his little girl (niece?) – over and over and over again.
I think part of it too is I don’t want my sexuality to marginilize by abilities or dreams. Sexuality is a component of identity – not identity itself. I think I’m more of a white American Hoosier born to lower middle-class parents in 1975 than I am a ‘man who has sex with men’. Or is all self-perceived/inflicted? That I’m limiting myself with these beliefs and pulling back from bigger things. I keep wondering what kind of First Lady (Man?) Ron would make.
Dad, mom, Heather and I went through a whole slew of pictures over the Christmas holiday – giving lots of pictures from mom and dad’s growing up and our own to Heather and me. Heather and I were laughing at how gawky and geeky we were as kids. Then, about mid-college, we both turn sexy. It’s funny – it’s like we suddenly realized that we can be admired and desired at the same time and that smart people get laid too.
This was the first Christmas that I didn’t go to church. After Pope John Paul’s announcement a few weeks ago of trying to purge homosexuals out of the clergy – that was just the last straw. They’d been dancing around that topic for a long time but to come out and say that they are going to go on a witch-hunt instead of examine the real causes of the problem is apalling and further feeds the stereotype of the insatiable pedophiliac homosexual – and sets everything back just a few more centuries.