I can’t sleep. I found out today that my changing over from part-time status to contract worker is going to be delayed another three fucking months. We’re doing another implementation and for some reason they don’t want to have the contracting process in the middle of it. I agreed to it. I feel like such a fucking loser. That I once again sold it all out. I didn’t take a stand for myself. I let it happen. Again. First this was supposed to happen at the end of the year. Then the end of January and now the end of March. I feel like no matter how I work for this company I get screwed. Or – I manage to put myself into a position of being taken advantage of. It’s like a bad marriage. I can actually feel this in my chest. And I know everyone is going to yell at me for taking it and how much that sucks. I guess I have this need to be ‘the trooper’. The martyr. I’m very disappointed in myself.
And my feet will not stop splitting. I think it’s from the shower rooms at the gym along with the dry weather. But my feet look like someone hacked at them with a knife.
And I can’ t seem to get the food smell out of the apartment. It’s not in the fridge. I’m thinking I need to pour Drano or bleach down the sink in the kitchen or something. Wish I had a garbage disposal – mom’s approach was to always through a few lemon peels in there. Maybe it’s the trash. But I feel bad and wasteful taking the trash out everyday. It has that smell when I used to buss tables – warm water and detergent and the food of a dining room of people.
I’m going to try going to sleep again.