Jon Stewart versus Bill O’Reilly

Transcript of Jon Stewart on The O’Reilly Factor: (via Mofi via Wonkette)

O’REILLY: You actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary.

STEWART: If that were so, that would be quite frightening.

O’REILLY: But it is. It’s true. I mean, you’ve got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night, OK, and they can vote.

STEWART: Yeah.

O’REILLY: You can’t stop them.

STEWART: Yeah, I just don’t know how motivated they would be, these stoned slackers.

O’REILLY: Yeah, it just depends if they have to go out that day.

STEWART: What am I, a Cheech and Chong movie? Stoned slackers?

O’REILLY: Come on, you do the research, you know the research on your program.

STEWART: No, we don’t.

O’REILLY: Eighty-seven percent are intoxicated when they watch it. You didn’t see that?

STEWART: No, I didn’t realize that.

O’REILLY: Yeah, we have that there.

STEWART: We come on right after, I believe, puppets that make crank calls…

O’REILLY: Yeah.

STEWART: … so we are, I think, the appropriate follow up…

O’REILLY: Yeah, and that’s a great lead-in for you.

STEWART: It’s a wonderful show, by the way.

O’REILLY: Puppets can’t vote, but these dopey kids who watch you can.

STEWART: They actually can — in Florida, they can.

O’REILLY: Puppets can vote in Florida.

STEWART: As long as they vote Republican.

O’REILLY: And they haven’t committed a felony.