Hedonism and Nihilism

We had an amazing weekend attending events surrounding San Francisco’s notorious Folsom Street Fair. Still working on a ‘real’ write up. After two dance parties with thousands of sweating men moving to pulsing beats, it feels weird to return back to order.

I think my Catholic upbringing will always make me feel bad for having a good time. It probably makes having a good time feel even better. I get the feeling of, “So what, you had a good time. So what?”

It’s my desire to be productive that makes me feel anti-fun. At least with the Real Bad organization’s parties there’s an underlying charity being funded by the different events. My sister is like this as well and we have both found pro-fun people to drag us out to have a good time.

It’s as if having a good time is not a valid means to an end. And that sometimes underlying these activities is a slowburn nihilism about what really matters anymore. I’m probably exhausted from the weekend. I feel particularly inconsequential sometimes – on a cosmic scale. I know my doctor of philosophy friend Brad would say: Yes we are – and that’s the trauma and the opportunity of your own life.

And I think that is the puzzle, the conundrum, the dilemma. Isn’t it enough that I got to hold the man I love in my arms floating through an undulating crowd? To see friends new and old moving through the throngs and exchanging looks of humor and amazement? Isn’t it enough to forget the conflicts and stress of the last several weeks and let things simply be as they are? Maybe not perfect, but good enough – and on a macro timeline – better all the time.

Maybe it’s just the comedown from a weekend of sensory overload. It always makes me pensive.

I think my awkward nerd past always rebels at activities I feel ‘the popular kids’ would do.

I posted this in a Facebook thread a friend posted that was a wrap-up of the weekend – those two lines from Lord the Rings: The Two Towers when Aragorn and Arwen share a vision of their future.

‘This is a dream.’

‘Then it is a good dream.’

I realized that it’s the start of Q4 and all the things I’d hoped to have done by the end of the year I haven’t even started. One of which was to do more personal blogging. Maybe I can swing doing at least one post every day until the end of the year. I don’t want to make it a big ‘commitment’ because that seems like such a blogger thing to do.

This entry was posted in General on by .

About Andy

Gay Hoosier Taurus INFJ ex-playwright pianist gymbunny published author in San Francisco. Tw · Fb