Fear, Dreaming Kitties and Red Herrings

Sometimes I think my cat has a crush on me. I usually have to banish him from the bedroom each morning around 4 AM because he sits on me and press his paws on my nose until I get up. So when I let him back in this morning we have our usual Joyful Reunion and then he follows me around for 10 minutes purring like a diesel truck. He slept on the bed next to me last night and I had my hand laying across him and he started dreaming – twitching a little – he even talked in his sleep. My cat talked in his sleep! He let out a few ‘mrowf!’s. Having a cat nearby is a reminder that it is always a good time to take a nap.

Fixin’ to go to the gym this morning and then I have to do laundry. I also have to do a final check in with my family regarding Christmas presents so I can do my shopping marathon tomorrow.

I have a lot of fear around the book’s release. I’m scared I won’t be able to fulfill the expectations. That I don’t know enough. There’s so much that I don’t know that I worry I’ll ‘be exposed’. I know everyone sometimes feels like a fraud. I keep reminding myself what Tara told me: ‘Keep in mind you’re one of the few authors that actually wrote your own book.’ I’m scared I can’t match the magnitude that I want to. I’m scared the book will be so out of date that I’ll look like some chump. I think this is what people mean when they spout stuff like ‘Are you scared of success?’ I’m not scared of succeeding – the actual ‘things working out right’ part – I’m scared of things getting out of hand or out of control.

The most important key to telling a good story or play or whatever is this: Every scene is about control. My dad taught me this. Often he would describe a conflict or situation and he’d mention the need someone had to control the situation. So if you start looking at every conflict in you life as a need for control it is a good framework to start from.

I had a dream I was running from our old home in Jeffersonville to our old Greentree Mall. I was running in my underwear too. But that wasn’t a big deal – this wasn’t one of those ‘I’m exposed!’ themes. I was running and I was tireless. I moved like a jungle animal, fast and targeted.

Listening to this ambient music while I sleep does strange things. I highly recommend it. Have it on just loud enough to be suggestive.

I get measured tomorrow at the gym. I expect I haven’t lost much fat, maybe gained some muscle but like I’ve said, it is to get into the habit of having a monthly weigh-in/measuring.

I didn’t realize until yesterday that my water bottle I’d been using at the gym, an old Fuji water bottle, had little brown spores inside of it. Tiny little dots of mold – probably streptococci. I used to get colds every three months until I got my tonsils removed four years ago. That was such a great decision. I highly recommend it. All that infection-prone tissue is gone. And yes I just wanted to type the word stretococci.

Did some research on pre-WWII Germany and found a great essay called ‘They Though They Were Free’ about the creeping rise of a fascist state. I read from it in my latest podcast that I’ll be posting today.

Talked with one of my favorite clients yesterday: Nancy. I wish every client could be like this: bright, eager, funny, rowdy and warm. Plus she ends every call with ‘Send me an invoice!’ That’s like a dream.

Kitty just attacked my feet so I had to ban him from the bedroom. He gets really still. His ears narrow and his face slowly twists in parallel with my ankle and then – BITE! I think he gets overstiumlated. Don’t know where he gerts that from.

Latest Ron malaprop – though this one is intentional: I managed to drag him out of bed to do cardio in the morning and we decided to walk to the gym the back way – through the neighborhood – instead of down Broadway.

Let’s go this way. Like a diversion. Like a red herring. Ya know honey, a red herring.

I can usually hold my giggles for about 30 seconds before I bust out. He’s converted for today which means he’s on call until 7 or so.