Category Archives: Religion

Rapture Ready SysAdmins Assume They’ll Be Rapt

For just $40 a year, believers can arrange for up to 62 people to get a final message exactly six days after the Rapture, that day when — according to Christian end times dogma — Christians will be swept up to heaven, while doubters are left behind to suffer seven years of Tribulation under a global government headed by the Antichrist. The e-mails will be triggered when three of the site’s five Christian staffers "scattered around the U.S." fail to log in for six days in a row — a system that incorporates a nice margin of safety, should two of the proprietors turn out to be unrepentant sinners or atheists.

Of course these staffers assume that they will be assumed to heaven with the rest of the faithful. Wouldn’t it rock it we had the rapture and they were all still here?

50 Go Blind Staring at Sun Looking for Virgin Mary

Darwinism in action:

At least 50 people in Kottayam district have reportedly lost their vision after gazing at the sun looking for an image of Virgin Mary. Though alarmed health authorities have installed a signboard to counter the rumour that a solar image of Virgin Mary appeared to the believers, curious onlookers, including foreign travellers, have been thronging the venue of the ‘miracle’.

Yes, that will help things. A sign to tell people not to stare directly into a fucking fireball. At least here in Chicago we find our virgins under overpasses, tortillas or toast.

Pope Sets Up Exorcism Squads to Combat Satanism

Why oh why does our current Pope have to look so un-venerable? That hawkish glare is really unsettling. I’m glad I was able to enjoy the reign of Pope John Paul II who always seemed so kind and caring and relaxed.

The Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to tackle the rise of Satanism. Vatican chiefs are concerned at what they see as an increased interest in the occult. They have introduced courses for priests to combat what they call the most extreme form of “Godlessness.”

This has to be a joke.

Found on Bob Cesca’s Goddamn Awesome Blog which I found via his HuffPost entry on the year’s Most Inappropriate Bush War Smirk of 2007.

James Dobson Confirms Pro-Life Ultimatum

Theocracy here we come!

After two hours of deliberation, we voted on a resolution that can be summarized as follows: If neither of the two major political parties nominates an individual who pledges himself or herself to the sanctity of human life, we will join others in voting for a minor-party candidate. Those agreeing with the proposition were invited to stand. The result was almost unanimous.

Ha. HERSELF.

Honor Killing: German Man Stabbed Wife to Death, Set Her On Fire

On trial in Munich:

“I don’t regret that I killed my wife.” He would do it again. She would have earned it. And above all the politics of the Federal Republic of Germany are also guilty of her death. Why: “Because the women here have so many rights, they become immodest”…. The crime of the young woman: she wanted to get a divorce. Dozens of people in the Maier Leibnitz street witnessed the killing. The man stabbed the woman who had just divorced him 13 times. Then he ran to his car, took a can with gasoline, went to the mortally wounded but still living woman, poured it over, and set her on fire. “I wanted to kill her”, he says now before court. And: “I do this if I am a man”.

Pope to Condi Rice: ‘Suck It’

Everybody’s favorite Nazi-pope told everybody’s favorite frustrated pianist:

Pope Benedict XVI refused a meeting request from Condoleezza Rice to meet this past August and discuss issues pertaining to Iraq and the Middle East in general. The first reason is that back in March 2003 — just before the Iraq war began — Rice met with a special papal envoy from Rome and told them that the Bush administration didn’t care about the views of the late Pope John Paul II on the immorality of its planned military actions in Iraq.