Ron and I went to see Finding Nemo today. I really enjoyed it – though
Monsters Inc. remains my Pixar favorite. The funniest line for me was:
‘Sea Monkey took my money.’

We also rented Broken Hearts Club last night. It’s a movie about a gaggle
of guys in Hollywood and their trials and tribulations. Sort of a gay Diner.
My favorite line in that movie was John Mahone (Frasier‘s dad) saying:
‘Used to be you couldn’t talk about anything gay. Maybe it was better that way.
Now that’s all you guys talk about.’ Or something to that effect. Many of these
guys see their sexuality as the total anchor of their identity.

It is amazing how much time I spend wishing I were someone else. The Power
of Now
would say that I was not focusing in the perfectness of the present
mmoent and allowing msyelf to be distracted and deterred by non-present thoughts.
Of course that is perfectly right.

I was excited to find my name in the International Movie Database. I’d checked
it after I saw Fred get carjacked by Kiefer Sutherland in the finale of 24.
I miss the show already. American Juniors I will try and not watch. I
have gradually found myself watching more and more TV. If it is during the day
during the week then it is all about justice – Divorce Court, Texax Justice,
People’s Court, Judge Judy, Judge Hatchett
. If its evening then I try to
catch Simpsons and SeinfeldSimpsons is on three times
a day and Seinfeld twice a day. This also leads to half-watching That
70s Show
, the jewel of which is Kitty. All the kids characters seem really
bland and predictable. Kitty and Red are the best couple on that show. And of
course my nightly wish to have the blind selfish ambition of Elaine Benes.

And what the hell is with this weather. Tomorrow begets June and it was cold
today. That is just absolutely crazy.

I need some Karen time right now. I’m in one of those talk about life moods.
I hope I get out of this unmotivated phase soon. I just feel so bored with everything.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I still have such a hard time completing projects
and ideas. It is probably one of my worst traits. That or the complement, having
too many things going at one time. I need to get a temp job. I don’t want to
dip into my savings more than I have to.

Ron and I also rented Darkness Falls which I barely even remember being
in theatres but it was good for some shocks and scares. It’s the one where an
evil witch/Tooth Fairy hunts down the children that look upon her. It made the
biggest monster movie mistake: showing everything too soon. That is still the
genius of Alien is that it isn’t until the end that you see the whole
creature. Here they did so well showing dark speeding shadows and great gurgly
breathing and dark mother moaning for the first half of the movie and then they
got intent on showing the witch/ghost hovering around all the time…

I started reading When History Becomes a Nightmare, a book documenting
the atrocities of the ethnic cleansing and genocide of the Bosnian conflict
– written by the psychiatrist that counseled many refugees and survivors. It
is totally chilling and horrendous. Each time everyone says ‘Never again,’ but
it happened again and the world stood by and watched it. Fascinating is how
the national identity had been reshaped after the World War to become multi-ethnic
and a certain pride and joy in that diversity – and how the Serbian minority
started to mine the period of hatred before then to advance their ideology.

The more I keep reading about the evolution of White House policy on the war
and justifying it and the complete absence of any weapons of You-know-what I
am just apalled that it seems we’re becoming the bad guys. I’m sure once I’m
50 we’ll really know what happened. But to think that thousands of people died
for a lie just leaves me cold.

I look at my life and I see that I always seem to take the hard way with everything.
Or that everything has to be a struggle and a challenge. That I can’t take the
path of least resistance and that even if I wanted to – I couldn’t. I feel my
dreams slowly dying. Slowly dissolving in reality. Maybe it’s a turning-30 thing.
To see the aspirations you had dissipating in the realizations you live. I used
to want to be and do so much. But everything just seems impossible lately. I
feel programmed to crave the impossible. And I again feel too late for everything.
Too late for everyone. That I’ve missed the boat, lost out, never even had a
chance. But then tomorrow I’ll probably feel fine and then I feel freaked out
that I write such stark sadness but then feel totally fine a few hours later.
Sometimes this seems like a terrible time to be in the world. I wonder whow
Ron would react if I talk to him about these things – usually he is very indifferent
about ‘bigger picture’ chat. He is so present-tense minded. That is probably
our biggest polarity is my iNtuitive side and his Sensing side. I’m always building
a world out of a word and a future out of a thought and he’s strained everything
down to what he can see and hear and touch.

I feel like theatre it just dead. That it is unethical to graduate all of these
students with hopes and dreams of regional theatre careers and not prepare them
for the real meat and potatoes of their income which could be voiceovers or
industrial video. Or adapting acting techniques for corporate training. That
all of these second-tier theatres are really just self-fulfilling groups that
aren’t going to go anywhere soon. That they will never be able to pay people
a living wage at anything. That theatre has gone the way of ballet and opera
– an art form for old rich white people. I’m just seeing everything through
an economics lens right now.

It was so fun to see ____________’s absolute delight at being at the International
Mister Leather conference that was last weekend. He said that it’s not until
he is around other big guys that he realizes how twinky (skinny) Chicago really
is and that “sometimes it’s not easy for a guy like me (he’s a giant lovable
bear of a guy) to fit in but when I’m with my peeps I have so much fun.”
I guess that illustrated a certain camaraderie element that I hadn’t really
considered in the whole leather scene. That the fisting and spankings are an
element but there’s aslo a sense of community as well – of just enjoying being
with other people just like you.

I keep thinking about SARS hitting stateside – especially here in Chicago.
People will go nuts. I really think Chicago will have a full-scale riot on their
hands if it ever comes to the city. We’re already being greased up for West
Nile madness by the local media. Oh well – at least I live right by the hospital.
I’ll keep my copy of The Stand handy.

I think we all dream for ourselves a much more happening life than what we
actually end up doing. Maybe I need to watch Fight Club a few more times.
That or re-read some Adbusters magazines.

Sometimes I feel like everyone wants to keep up this illusion that they have
tons of free time and luxury and money. That the new pornography is people not
doing anything – just laying around and having no problems.

Sometimes I feel imprisoned by my anxiety attacks. They keep me humble – sometimes
humiliated – always hesitant. They are a made to order obstacle – perfectly
calibrated to keep me in my sugar-drenched fantasy of greater-than-thou.

Eek. That sounded pretentious. But doesn’t everything sound pretentious. To
have the time to bitch and moan and whine about how awful it all is implies
that this time could be better spent doing something – anything – besides the
aforementioned bitching, moaning and whining.






Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *