You Have to Smell What I Want

My scalp is tight lately which means I’m putting myself under too much tension.

I have a lot on my mind as I consider the coming year and how to pace and plan everything. I sometimes sit here overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin or how to start.

Got a copy of the book cover yesterday and was pleased to see my last name spelled right.

Need to do laundry. Ron and I watched Simpsons – Colbert Report – Seinfeld – The Soup – The Daily Show. I could watch TV all day and still not ‘catch up’ with all the viewing that I’d like to see.

What I don’t get about the wiretapping with the NSA and without warrants is the court that does issue the warrants – the one that is engaged when the process is followed – has only rejected 8 out of 1500 requests since the 1970s. The court is basically just a rubber stamp. So then why the need to do an end-run? Why the need to go beyond the Constitution? I think it is details like this that slowly creep up so by the time all the power is centralized no one acts surprised.. And damn the New York Times for sitting on the story for a year and damn the Washington Post for not saying where the secret prisons are in Europe.

I feel bound up. Like a straight-jacket but not as constricted. Not imprisoned – just ‘stricture’. Like when you put rubber bands around a bunch of rolled up newspapers.

Ron and I deftly avoided a box of Entemann’s donuts at CVS last night. This is of course after our umpteenth conversation of how we have to get back the fitness discipline we used to have. I think part of it is we used to live farther apart so our eating scheduled weren’t entwined – we weren’t being enablers. Plus, he used to live with Teddy who is a super-health freak with like 4% body fat and eats rice and fish 24-7. We must have stood 5 minutes at the donut display rationalizing back and forth.

Ron: We can each have one.
Andy: Yeah and then you leave the next day and I eat them all. ‘To get rid of them.’
Ron: I’ll take them home then.
Andy: They’re so good when they’re warm.
Ron: Especially on a cold night. Put them in the oven.
Andy: You won’t even feel the first four.
Ron: With some cold 2% milk.
Andy: But we just talked about having discipline eating.
Ron: I know.
Andy: You know how they have What Would Jesus Do? We need to ask ourselves What Would Jocks Do. We need to think like meatheads.

This went on for awhile and ended up with me getting 2 iced Christmas cookies (which are never as good as they look – always too dry) and Ron got these Dunkers things which are three little donut sticks (500 calories for all three we noticed once we got home).

I get measured again on Thursday at the gym. I’m scheduling a weigh-in each month to keep me focused towards the future. We might employ one of the trainers there to train us once a week – I think they do partner training. Plus I think it’d be good to be responsible for a food journal. Especially Ron.

M____’s boyfriend beat him up and turned him in to immigration – I’m not sure why he got beat up – we’re thinking M_____ gave him HIV or something perhaps. M_____ had been in the US for many years on a student visa while completing two college degrees. He then got a job with a company that was willing to sponsor his citizenship – he just had to work there for three years. M_____ got impatient after two years and wanted to move to Chicago so he quit his job and moved here. M_____ is a single Muslim male from East Asia and an illegal alien – I’m surprised they didn’t throw him into a prison camp. This kind of stuff makes me so frustrated. M_____ had everything laid out for him: a fantastic education, the talent to make things happen and a road to citizenship. But he screwed it all up. He threw it all away to come party in Chicago. And I don’t think M_____’s roommate called the police about the physical abuse becase his roommate is also illegal and I’m guessing they had drugs in the apartment as well. Do you ever get frustrated like that for other people? Not for super-close friends but for distant acquaintances. That they have an entire road to success laid out before them and they throw it away because they are impatient or selfish or both?

I am so glad I don’t do drugs. Who has the time? My God. Ron and I don’t drink or our restaurant bills would double. I can’t imagine doing drugs as well. There’s too much to get done without having to worry about scoring some good Tina or getting some great pot. I just don’t see why people have all this free time. Got time to do drugs? Get a second job. You’ll make more money.

When I hear stories like M_____’s it reminds me how miniscule some of my problems are. Ron and I bicker and fight but rarely over fundamental stuff. We are usually faux-fighting anyway – screaming stuff like ‘Why won’t you let me love you?!’ (a line from Closer) and laughing.

A couple days ago Ron offered to make me dinner. So he came up and we had spicy meatballs with marinara over whole wheat pasta. My kitchen really only fits one person at a time. So as he’s cooking Ron says

RON: You know I can cook. I can cook so much with all this stuff you have in here. All you have to do is ask me.

I hugged Ron close and put my lips to his ear and said.

ANDY: And you have to TELL me these things honey!
RON: (pushing me away) Whatever do you mean, honey?

(This is usually where my dad would say ‘I can’t smell what you want, Diane!’ And then later on as my dad is talking about what he’s gonna do for the umpteenth time (just like I do) she yells ‘Dammit, Just DO IT Danny!’ I often yell that at Ron – he talks shit more than I do.)

And I thought I was passive-aggressive. So we’re having sushi last night and he says

RON: If I’m off tomorrow I can make us lunch.
ANDY: Okay, you’re on. You’re making lunch tomorrow.
RON: You have to ask me, though.
ANDY: Oh screw you! (pause) Ron, if you are off tomorrow, would you cook us lunch?
RON: NO!

And of course we’re laughing by then. I can’t imagine not laughing with Ron. We look at other couples and wonder what the hell they talk about and if they laugh. Like goofing around before bed or in the shower or while cooking. I think my parents modeled that for my sister and I. They laugh a lot. My sister and brother-in-law are crazy-funny.

A______ & K____ broke up. We were both very surprised. They seemed like a really great couple. Though it was A______’s first love I think. I think that makes Ron and I the longest running pairing that we know of right now. I told Ron that we should wear shirts to the gym that says ‘We Win’.