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Scott emailed in with two essays:
Training Your White Boy in Ten Easy Lessons
1. HYGIENE. Everyone knows that body odor is the curse of the white man.
On general principle, you should refuse sex with your White Boy at least once
a week on the grounds that he smells. You will need to introduce him to the
Asian Life Cycle: Shower-Gel-Cologne/Shower-Gel-Cologne (also known as Bed,
Bath and Beyond). Let’s start at the beginning: Showering. How often does your
White Boy shower? Whatever. It’s not enough. He may vaguely know that he needs
to shower after he’s been to the gym, but does he do it immediately, before
any as yet-to-be-named bacteria start festering in his bushes? (Speaking of
which, he should be neatly trimmed down there. Asians hate feeling like they’re
screwing a tumbleweed). Brand-name body washes only-bar soap is so tacky-and
no pink puff sponges. Get your White Boy a manly loofa. Gelling. Many would
argue that styling a White Boy’s hair is a waste of good gel. We disagree. Everyone
can benefit from gelling, even the White Boy. Hell, if KMS, Joico, and Paul
Mitchell can make lab animals look fabulous, think what they can do for your
cuddly-wuddly White Boy. And remember, when it comes to gelling, quality AND
quantity are equally important. Cologning. Your White Boy will need to learn
the proper use of cologne-NOT to mask body odor because he hasn’t showered in
two days. Be bold! You want to be able to sniff him out of a crowd of White
Boys doused in Eternity and Abercrombie. Out: D&G and Gaultier, the official
colognes of flaming queens. In: Xeryus Rouge and Cool Water. And no ecoN******zing.
If your Asian stepsisters ever found out your White Boy was wearing a Fabulous
Fake, you’d never hear the end of it.
2. CLOTHES. White Boys can’t dress, a disability closely connected to
their inability to shop. This handicap can be so severe we’ve known Rice sisters
to arrange a stop at the nearest Gap before continuing with the first date.
We suggest you begin by going through his apartment and gathering up all those
old sweat shirts, socks with holes, ancient underwear, sweaters knitted by his
mom, favorite old sneakers, jock straps, unwashed gym clothes, ripped jeans,
anything with Dockers on it, long-sleeved plaid shirts, cowboy hats and boots,
etc. Put them in a big pile in the yard and burn them. Tell him you donated
them to one of those AIDS charities-in Africa. Now the educating can begin.
No boat shoes with sweat pants. No sandals with socks. No loafers without socks
(in fact, lose the loafers altogether – that is soooo Lowe’s). No piercings
below the belly button. No more than one tattoo. No “look at my butt crack,
I’m not wearing underwear” look. Have him practice the fine art of mixing
and matching using a Billy doll. Start with solids then work up to more daring
circuit outfits. Or, if you want to make it easier on both of you, establish
this simple rule: All White Boy outfits must be approved prior to leaving your
overpriced studio. At this point you can begin imparting the most precious part
of your Asian cultural heritage-the Art of the Label. He must learn that labels
do not begin with “A” and end with “F.” You might want to
give him a cheat sheet he can carry in his wallet with all the approved designer
acronyms on it, what they stand for, and the location of their flagship stores.
Until he can spot the letters D&G across the dance floor you cannot consider
your White Boy trained. Try this test: Put a pair of Wrangler and a pair of
CK jeans in front of him. Scream FIRE! Which one does he grab on his way out?
3. DANCING. Everyone knows that White Boys can’t dance. Yet they insist
on doing it anyway. If his dancing is especially goofy, trying pulling him into
the center of the dance floor. Hopefully there won’t be enough room for his
karate chops, high-kicks, and seizure-like moves. Tell him to keep it simple-he
doesn’t have to be a Brittany Spears back-up dancer. Swaying in place (no matter
how rhythm less) is better than looking like Godzilla stomping his way through
Tokyo. If all else fails, put your arms around him from behind and hold tight.
He’ll think you’re being romantic. (Of course, when it’s time to show off your
moves, you’ll want your White Boy out of the way. This is a good time to send
him on an errand to the car.)
4. SEX. Your White Boy is likely to have any number of unacceptable sexual
preferences. You may find that he is “versatile,” that he sleeps with
his friends, that he spends time thinking up new and unusual ways to have sex.
Remind him that having sex on or near a bed can be a cute change of pace.
And no, he does not get to give you a blowjob in the middle of the dance floor.
Hello! With girlfriends watching? And not in the car, either-that is for fucking
around and you guys are married now. (By the way, what kind of car is he driving?
If it’s Korean-made or more than two years old, it’s a problem. Of course, you
don’t want to embarrass him. Just firmly insist that you park in the nether
reaches of China Basin. If he asks why, point out that a little extra exercise
walking to the club wouldn’t hurt him.)
5. VALUES. At this point you’re ready to introduce your White Boy to the concept
of Traditional Asian Values. We have no idea what these are, but since White
Boys will believe anything you tell them about your exotic culture we say work
it girl! For example: Open relationship? Absolutely not. You guys are 24/7.
If there’s going to be any adultery it’s to be done the Traditional Asian Way-by
sneaking around, thank you.
6. FOOD. The same principle applies. Make a mistake in the kitchen? Just
tell him it’s your favorite ethnic dish from childhood. If he balks at your
pork blood pudding stew suggest he try it with hot sauce. (Then again, since
you’ve gone to the ends of the earth to land your White Boy, why poison him
with your cooking?)
7. GUILT. You will find that your White Boy responds extremely well to guilt.
Remind him frequently what his people did to your people-colonialism blah-blah-blah.
Being a modern Asian Boy, of course, you personally have forgiven white people,
but you’re not so sure about the folks back home. This will set the stage for
divorcing him from unhealthy attachments to country music, heavy metal, Beethoven,
the classics of Western literature, etc. Remind him that there’s no room for
cultural imperialism in your relationship as you crank up the volume on your
favorite Japanese pop singer, collected love songs of the King of Thailand,
karaoke hits of the 1970s, etc.
8. THE RICE QUEEN CURE. This is the most challenging task you will face. We
suggest this strategy: When you catch your White Boy drooling at another Asian,
wait till he’s not looking, then go up to the Asian and whisper in his ear:
“This is MY White Boy. If you look at him again your face is a scratching
post.” Word will spread and soon your White Boy will wonder why no
Asians cruise him anymore. Now you’ve got him where you want him … the less
self-esteem he has, the more power you have. Of course other Asians aren’t looking
at him-he’s balding, he’s hairy, he’s smelly, he’s old-you are the only Asian
in the world that would put up with his sorry White ass, etc., etc. A few catty
comments can quickly undo years of therapy.
9. FRIENDS. There are two schools of thought on this issue. One says that you
hate his friends (more annoying White Boys), but he HAS to like yours. When
he’s integrated into your circle, your friends can help with the training. For
example, they can flirt with him, and if he flirts back you can bust him (the
important thing about fucking around is not whether it’s done or not but who
gets caught first). Through your circle of friends you can continue to control
your White Boy even after you break up-deciding who he will date and whether
he will date at all. There is a second school of thought, however, that says
you should never trust your wicked step-sisters with your White Boy. He is allowed
to speak to them only in your presence, and you reserve the right to end the
conversation at any time. If he complains that he’s being smothered and you’re
acting insecure…well Mr. White Boy, you’re not dating Asians for the serenity
10. KEEPING THE BOY IN YOUR WHITE BOY. One last thing, your White Boy is masculine,
right? Of course he is. (Although, if he follows all the advice in this list,
he might not be anymore-fortunately, you can count on him to fail one or more
lesson.) However, just to make sure he’s not prone to any unwanted expressions
of his feminine side we recommend that you get him fucked up on the first date.
If there’s a girl lurking inside your White Boy, drugs and alcohol will
bring it out.
The Care and Feeding of Your Gay Asian Male
Congratulations! You are now the proud boyfriend of your very own Gay Asian
Male. With the proper maintenance (read: high maintenance) your GAM will give
you months if not years of exasperating pleasure.
1) Hair, part I. If you’re a Rice Queen you love straight, black hair. But
forget about ever touching it. Anyway, it would be like running your fingers
through a chain link fence, because….
2) Hair, part II. The Gelling Hour. Time stops when the GAM is gelling.
This is his special, private time. Don’t try to watch and whatever you do
don’t pressure him to hurry–if he makes a mistake he’ll insist on starting
all over again. The best thing to do is leave the house. And don’t bother trying
to time YOUR preparations with HIS. The gelling never starts until you are ready
to leave. This is to ensure he will have the bathroom to himself.
3) When shopping with the GAM and his girlfriends take care that you never
place your body between them and a label on sale or you’ll end up roadkill.
4) When you smell an unbearable stench coming from the kitchen it means
the GAM is cooking his native food. (a) Congratulations. If he’s cooking
for you, consider yourself married. (b) Clean your plate. Ungratefulness is
among the worse of the 7 Deadly Sins of a Boyfriend in Asian belief systems
(“What? I’m cooking for your already and you complain? So what if it’s
5) Equipment.. and we don’t mean sex toys. If you’re serious about dating GAMs
you will need a rice cooker (see the earlier list “How to Not Be
a Rice Queen”). He will laugh at anything less than 12-cup capacity. And
while you’re at it, get a rice dispenser too. The sight of a sack of rice laying
on the kitchen is likely to make the GAM moan in disgust.
6) And before we leave the subject of food… say goodbye to desserts, dairy
products, and ???.
7) If you are lucky your he will not know how to drive or, on general principle,
will insist that you do it. If he does drive be sure your premiums are paid,
your seat belt is fastened, and your air bag is working. And bite your tongue.
By now, you’ve discovered that your GAM is adverse to criticism. Confucius
says: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it behind his back.”
8) You can always count on your GAM to be in touch with his inner needs, wants,
desires, and opinions. No need for expensive therapy here. The same goes for
you. You only have one need now–your GAM–and since your needs are now
met, you can concentrate on meeting his.
9) When your he is talking to his girlfriends in his native tongue and you
hear your name mentioned smile like they’re saying nice things about you.
Of course they’re not, but GAMs think white boys are stupid and it’s best to
keep it that way. Later, when you’ve learn to recognize key words in his language
you can guess what they’re talking about from the context* and say something
relevant. This will make them wonder just how much you do understand. Keep them
wondering. (*This is easier than you think. It will either be clothes, money,
men, haircuts, or whichever friends of theirs aren’t in the room at the time.)
10) Welcome to the extended family. It’s just as dysfunctional as the nuclear
family, only ten times as large. If he is in the closet, so are you. A second
bedroom, a second phone line, and so on will be essential to the elaborate ruse
you will need to maintain on the off-chance that your in-laws arrive on the
Orient Red-Eye one day to pay a surprise visit (read: inspection tour). And
don’t think you can ever escape his family. Cousins, nephews, nieces,
brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles extend like tentacles across the globe,
keeping their eye on their wayward GAM relative, and always with one urgent
question on their lips: When is he (and his nice American roommate) going to
GET MARRIED. On the rare chance that the family accepts you as the GAM’s “special
friend” you better get yourself a calendar with Asian holidays–your social
life is committed from now until the next Year of the Dragon.
11) Sex. Get rid of your leather harness, ropes, poppers, and other white boy
fetishes. Your GAM is vanilla. At least sexually. Mentally there could be some
torture. OH, and you ARE a top aren’t you? Of course you are or you never
would have made it past #1! (Don’t be confused if he grabs your ass on the first
date–he’s not a top, he’s just checking size of your wallet.)
12) If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You are now in a long-term
relationship with your very own GAM. Now try to forget about the fact that
there are 1 billion Asian men in the world that you will never have. And
as you plan your life together remember: designer jeans, cell phones, and cologne
are necessities, not luxuries.