Sitting on the train – I just went and voted in the primaries. I screwed it up. I’ve never voted in the primaries before so I didn’t understand choosing a partisanship – I thought that committed me to voting in the real elections later on. Once I figured it all out I decided on Democrat. I’d gone through the newspaper and looked at which candidates were pro-choice, pro-LGBT and pro-woman. And most of them were democrats… I thought to myself how foolish it is that I don’t know jack about the politics of the state that I live in. That as an artist, I should be entwined int his process and dialectic. Like how you can’t fart sideways without Tony Kushner crawling up your craw. Is craw spelled with a c or a k – and what is the craw – as in ‘that really sticks in my craw’. What exactly are we saying here. I know that when I was a kid there was a Krall’s bakery next to the barber shop where a treat for being good was a donut and chocolate milk. I realize though
that if I don’t vote I can’t whine and I don’t think I could ever give up te right to bitch and moan about the state of affairs in this world/city/state/district. I really hit the pavement hard at work yesterday. As soon as I got in one boss was swarming around me with Friday’s crisis that I missed. I’m trying to be resigned about the system we’ve put in and to state bluntly that tis’ a piece of crap and that I’ve made peace with that. I’m not going to pretend like it’s an easy to use system or anything… I think that if you are ever thinking of shopping for any kind of massive installed system in your corporation – that you talk to the system administrators of that system at other companies – they are the ones that get the calls from employees.
I found myself standing on Clark waiting for the bus again last night. Again. After all of my party line about not visiting Ron until he comes to my place I find myself, again, shivering waiting for the bus. I don’t blame him – it’s my thing… I’m always too accomodating. I’m always the one to travel to visit or play.
Had a really great workout yesterday morning – I’d made a new mix MiniDisc with Prodigiy, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson and Lords of Acid. Hard core! I lifted ultra-slow to make sure I was using good form and that I wasn’t cheating anything.
I have this urge to shave my head lately. But I realized that I can’t do it – at least not until next week since I have to do re-shoot a scene from a film I worked on last summer and I have to look the same that I did last year. This was the film shoot where I had the multiple hour panic attack. Boy did it suck. How terrible.
I only had one notable attack this weekend at coach training. I’d taken a Xanax on Friday just to calm me through the initial burst of nervousness. But where before I’d get heated just sitting next to a person who was talking that I was more able to stay contained. It wasn’t until Sunday late morning that I had any sort of sweating fit and it passed quickly. I try to think of the energy passing through me. My recovery time is better lately. Clark and Division.
Last night we’re having dinner and Ron just blurts out ‘Do you love me?’ and without missing a beat I said, ‘Yes.’ I was sort of impressed with my reflexes when faced with a drive-by I love you. Bam! He was highly caffeinated and was all over the place. I’d lifted with him last night as well. We went to Howard Brown to get routine HIV testing and evidently there’s a syphillis outbreak going on so they asked to test for that too. Yikes. I didnt’ know you could syph just from kissing. I always get the same counselor and I always feel guilty for being sexually active when he talks to me. And I’m monogamous and committed right now…