thursday, november 22

Happy Thanksgiving everybody – I realized I hadn’t posted in such a long time. We had quite a meal this afternoon – though it was interrupted twice – once by dad’s step-dad and his girlfriend (who is also his brother’s widow – take a moment to feel revulsion) and then by Uncle Jack and his family. THe highlight was when I went to introduce Uncle Jack to Brigitte and I forgot his name. Yeah, that was really slick – luckily, Brigitte did a quick save and said: ‘Hi, I’m Brigitte.’ Whew! Yummy yumm food. Ron called and was on his way to Miluakee to see his mom and I didn’t get to talk to Karen today. Or Kate. Oh well. I am antsy to get back home as usual. I always get antsy. Went through two big boxes of notes and letters and writings from high school. A letter from Jeremy saying: ‘I’ve never felt so lonely in my life [at my new school]. Oh well, we’ll always have Florida, sweetheart.’ Or a poem written to Mary and Lisa about the four of us all sharing the same grave. Creepy. I think I forgot the impact I managed to have on people in high school. Part of me wants to hold on to being outcast and not popular and forget that I was very loved by a tight-knit group of friends. I worry about what they’d think if they knew I had a boyfriend right now. If they’d be surprised or freaked out or grossed out… or if they’d even care. Maybe it’s my own issue. What if you came out and nobody cared? Hee hee. I ran into Kathryn my old english teacher and she mentioned that my class will be having their ten year reunion soon and all I could think of is if I’d bring a boyfriend to that or not. Or to Christmas dinner. And further, who really gives a shit? If someone doesn’t like it then they can’t look beyond their own bullshit. But what if that includes me. Dad and mom and I had a conversation on men dating and the different rules there are. I think it is funny that I still hold to a mid-western date-engaged-fiance-marriage model. Or some kind of life-commitment ceremony of some sort. That there is so much tiresome self-loathing and posturing in The Scene that it quickly gets tired. I also said how I’m trying not to ve neurotic about Ron and I and just enjoy where it is and don’t freak out about where it is going. I didn’t expect us to work out like this – neither of us did – I can’t itemize why we work and I don’t want to. I’m still in the lust/infatuation stage where I just can’t believe such a handsome guy is tolerating dating me. Ron could have any guy – hell, he’d already had three offers for threesomes since I left the city (they must all note my absence and thing: ‘Whitey’s gone! GET HIM!’.