“let me see if i can remember the full instructions. i came up with it while i was pregnant and on bedrest in 2001. so while i couldn’t actually get drunk, i did simply yell out “DRINK!” every time something came up.
“DRINK ONCE EVERY TIME MARTHA:
- uses the words “best”, “freshest”, or “lovely” in reference to any ingredient. drink again if there is no explanation as to what “best” or “freshest” truly means.
- says “i always“.
- pulls out the pastry bag for any reason.
- uses a piece of kitchen equipment that most people can’t fit inside their kitchen.
- uses a piece of kitchen equipment that costs more than the GDP of most third-world countries.
- uses a piece of kitchen equipment that most people can’t even pronounce.
- uses an ingredient that can only be acquired at one little gourmet foods boutique in a new york city back alley.
- uses any food that came from her garden, henhouse, pig barn, or other food source on the property. drink again if she goes off on tangents about how using green and speckled eggs is so much better than plain old white eggs.
- uses an ingredient that is ridiculously expensive. drink again if that ingredient is saffron. chug if she says “a pinch of saffron” but throws in half a handful.
- has her mother as a guest.
“DRINK TWICE EVERY TIME MARTHA:
- interrupts her guest in the middle of answering the question she just asked them.
- gets annoyed with her guest for not giving a shit about doing the task or craft in exactly the way martha does.
- follows up “i always” with some ridiculous task like wiping the butts of baby chickens or fully grooming the dogs or mucking out the pig stalls. because you know there’s no way in hell she gets near them.
- does any craft involving gros-grain ribbon.
- has one of her nieces as her guest.
- mentions her daughter.
- gives you some utterly random and utterly useless tidbit of information in the middle of a piece, such as “exchanging raw food for finished product on a tv show is called a swap-out.”
- demonstrates a craft that requires antique anything, especially glass beads or glass glitter.
- demonstrates a craft whose individual materials cost more than just buying the finished product somewhere.
- changes costume during her halloween shows.
- claims to have personally decorated any of the trees during her christmas shows.
“CHUG EVERY TIME MARTHA:
- insults or interrupts her mother during a piece.
- has children younger than 12 on the show.
- takes a drink of any alcoholic beverage… because you know the staff has to drink themselves into oblivion just to put up with her.”