It is Sunday at 11:30 – I have come to the coffe shop – not the one in Boyville
but the one that is directly across from the apartment. Having an iced tea and
trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I already had
one panic attack at the OfficeMax and one while I was orderieng my tea. I am
going back up to a fulll pill of Zoloft – with the shorter days… Haven’t done
a whole lot this weekend. I feel like I’m either being over-dramatic or totally
numb. I bought a copy of the book Blowback: The Cost and Consequences of
American Empire – a scathing look at how everything the United States does
blows up in our faces 20 years later. It makes me deeply saddened at the current
state of world affairs and how it doesn’t seem likely to ever stop.
I was thinking just now about the whole Nick situation and how that has really
damaged my trust in compliments from people. I think that clarity that I finally
arrived at with him – why I put up with such abuse of friendship and professional
misconduct – was that I fell in love with the way he saw me. I became enamoured
of the image he sold back to me – so much so that I was afraid of losing that
source of support and I put up with an eleven-thousand dollar delinquent payment.
I had put so much into the image he had of me that I wasn’t willing to exchange
and reconsider the image I had of him. That if he wasn’t this successful businessman
then maybe I wasn’t all that either. That is why I think I am so suspicious
of compliments from others – I suspect other motives at work – or deny that
I could ever have any kind of talent or ability that they ascribe to me. The
most frustrating part of it all is that I know – I know – I know that it all
has to come from within myself. That approval from external sources is always
a endless chase… and that quitting my dayjob, piercing a nipple, bleaching
my hair, having a boyfriend, coming out of the closet, getting a modeling gig,
getting a good review, having a thousand customers or a hundred-thousand dollars
is not going to do it. Margaret Cho made a very apt point when she talks about
this entire industry created to make us feel shitty about ourselves so we buy
their products. I become suspicious of all marketing all the time. And it comes
back to one of my main coaching points – you are te dragon – you are the grail.
You are your biggest prize and your biggest obstacle – all at the same time.
It makes me want to de-brand my lving space – to buy blank canisters for all
of the shampoo and soaps and put the cereal in a nameless container. Ditch all
of the visual noise. A big challenge lately has been that since I don’t have
cable TV right now is that the channel with the best reception if FOX – so I’m
relegated to watching Fox news every morning… though I have developed a crush
on Michelle Leigh – the hot piece of meteorology that does the morning weather.
Something about her delivery on-screen is like a come-on… a little wink to
you as she talks about the warm front approaching and the gusts of wind sweeping
the valleys and leaving everything all moist and humid. Did I mention that Ron
has a crush on JenOz? He’s decided that if he was straight that JenOz is the
kind of girl he’d go for – sporty and brash and fun. He loves when we meet her
because she gives him a hug and she loves the feel of her breasts against his
chest (I, of course, told Jen to give Ron extra long hugs when she can – she
thought it was hilarious).