saturday, may 5

I’m totally getting a kick out of the Adidas workout pants I bought today. I got a pair in khaki and a pair in navy. I also bought a couple of sleeveless shirts but they just don’t fit right so I’ll have to take them back. Spent the whole day by myself. And what a wonderful thing that was. Spent two hours at the Caribou writing on the Palm V (w/ keyboard):(mispellings intact)

I think that I’m recovering some things lately – that I’m realizing that I’ve always been a writer first and fore-most and the ijmportance of turning back to the craft – even ofr it’s own sake. That I should be writign all teh tiem if I can help it. That I houldn’t judge whether or not anyone is going to like what I’m doing – just fucking write. Stop struggling. Give up the urge to struggle. The desire to project the conspicuousness of creativitiy. Look everybody I’m writing in a coffeeshop don’t you want to fuck me? That I’m always turned inward to myself in times of stress and to realize teh crucible I’m in right now and the importance of honoring that. I really am turning into something new. A life-hymen is going to rupture soon – a time where you can’t go back to who you were before. That things will be ifferent becaue I’ve traveled through another Hades and emerge the knowledgeable one with another scarring. Things have become so surreal and beyond belief that I’m liable to believe anything lately. Things won’t faze me as quickly anymore. I resisted for long lettig this situation overtake my life – letting it run my being but I think that relinquishing was the only way to let that all go. To stop the glamour of the struggle that oh go I have SO much going on right now and aren’t i just the victim again even though i always just do it to myself each time. The glamour of Being Busy – being as the Tao of Pooh says – a Busy Backson. It’s not really that hard. It really isn’t that hard. I mean come on. Jesus Christ – just fucking write and then you’ll have something to eidt and shape. Have lots of raw materials. And I’m going back into selfreliance. I loved getting up early on a Sunday morning and going to the library at school… working out… checking the computers… fucking around. I’m a solitary person for better and for worse. Give up the anxiety. Give up the need to appear struggling. Just go fucking do it. It’s the spiral path that once again I find myself ascending again – covering the same topic yet again and this time at a different level of consciousness. It’s still the same since kindergarten. Just less intereference from Ms. Koerner and more hair-pulling from Ms. Walk. I remind myself of the malleability of my exoskeleton. How I have appeared to people in the past. How I can stil appear to them now – and it isn’t a facade that shields them from the real me. It is a way to protect myself. Why can’t I have everything that I want? Get the fuck oer it Andy. It ain’t no big deal. I don’t have to be anybody else but myself and if that means I’m crazy and obsessive and idiosyncratic then FUCK OTHER PEOPLE. I need to keep this door open. My inner nature (Wu Wei?) isn’t going to change anytime so fuck it all. This is who I am and if people can’t deal with it then fuck ’em. Right? I don’t care if I’m trendy. I don’t care if I’m popular. Give it up Andy. Offer it up. Stop it. Let it float away. I don’t care if I get in free at the cool restaurants or find the best place to be seen anywhere in the city. That all just seems so damned ridiculous to me. That is so crazy. I just can’t invest in the externals that way. I have to honor my need To Lead… The Glamourous Life. But Without Love, It Ain’t Much. I have to honor my inner child’s need to have the caviar dreams it deserves. But all the while keeping focus on the fleetingness of such elements and not basing an identity or rooting a self into them. Focus on doing great things that you enjoy. All You Have to Be Is You. Do what brings you joy. It is really that simple Andy. Tap dancing. Web design. Piano. Mixmaking. Go be a model or go be an entertainer – go put yourself out in these possible places and personas. Give up the struggle. You’ve done much more under much worse before. You are enough. You ahve enough. You do enough. Slay a sacred cow. Go deep. Give up the need to diagnose. To articulate what is wrong with you. Give up the need to ascribe it all to your sexuality or your heritage or your upbringing. Give up the need to quantify those things that make you you. Give up the need to ennoble your quirks with the DSM-IV. Give up the need to be sated. Give up the need to appear this way or that way or think this way or that way. Give up the idea that you’ll ever really fit in. You’re 26 – it hasn’t happened yet and it is never going to happen and thank sweet Jesus for that. Give up the idea that you’ll fix these demons. Embrace them and welcome your shadow self. Give up the need to exorcise your daemons and re-invest in the need to exercise them. Allow yourself to be magical. Allow yourself to be glorious. Allow yourself to be joyous. Stop tring to change. Merely be. Be truer and be naked-er and change will take care of itself. Make all the lists you want. Create all the meta-work you want. That’s part of your process. You like to create the meta-work as an avoidance of the real work but use it also to draw yourself into doing the real work. Prioritize and create that shitstorm you love. That chaos contained on a Palm V. Plan and plan and plan and realize that over-planning is your inner nature.

Recent news about Tom Cruise being a man-lover have surfaced again and I found this rant about Top Gun being a gay film from the movie Sleep With Me it reminds me of Mr. Filthy’s review that Driven is just a gay film in straight drag. Sometimes these readings of the films are just a little too apt to be merely coincidental and I think are at times a little wink at the rest of the world. Though I did once have a dream that I was at an orgy and Tom and Nicole were there. Nicole went off with some guy and Tom and I had a great time together.

I like men and I like women, and if I can have both at the same time, all the better,” admits Gabriel Romero, the stunningly sexy actor from the groundbreaking Spanish-language sitcom, “Los Beltran.”

I’ve let my beard grow out the last few days. I might try this out for a bit. I’m thinking once I get out of my current transition I might need some sort of extreme change – maybe shave, bleach blond and get waxed. Hmmm.

Ran my six miles along the lake this morning – so rewarding to sense how quickly my body recovers back to normal when I do the walking break in the middle – I go from jogging pace to walking pace and my heartbeat returns to resting so quickly.

I’ve been experimenting with Gnutella-based Napster alternatives… having great success with Limewire. Very easy interface and you can search for files of any kind throughout a huge network. My favorite part is to watch the search requests being sent in – quite a kick.

LimeWire

Ruthless People is on TNT today – I think this movie is so under-rated and highly recommend it. Just the plotting of the movie is so tight and delightul – it has that convoluted plotting that makes Seinfeld so much fun. And Danny DeVito and Bette Midler are a great couple.

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About Andy

Gay Hoosier Taurus INFJ ex-playwright pianist gymbunny published author in San Francisco. Tw · Fb