Chagrin is another word you only hear in one context. ‘Much to my…’ you never hear it in another way. Or at least I don’t.
So I’m at the straight(er) Caribou Coffee on Clark and Wellington drinking iced tea while I wait for my decongestants to kick in and then I’m meeting Ron at the gym. Today is legs day. Ran into Richard my ex-boyfriend and he said ‘You’ve gotten big! Wow – you’re huge!’ during Memorial Day weekend. Then I ran into Fred who is an actor that’s come back from California ‘Karen said you’d gotten smaller but looks like you’re bigger’ (Fred is a personal trainer so it makes it even more a compliment. And then when we went to see Al Gore with Vaughn, Vaughn also mentioned my impending beefification. That means I’m in a good zone. I’ve been working out five times a week now in the mornings like clockwork for about 4 weeks, so now the challenge is to stay in this habit and start integrating more dietary changes – or some yoga – or some running.
Last Friday I did something totally out of character. I’d had five of my colleagues all mention to me ideas around thinking much larger about my business, talents and influence. So I did something that is a bit indulgent, I invited them all on a conference call to put the puzzle pieces together. At the crux of my personal development is a deep need for big self-expression and a deep fear of self-exposure. Also, at the basis was the fact that I continually try to put myself into easy boxes and classifications instead of ‘letting the How take care of itself.’ Other elements are the edgyness inherent in my perspective that is by definition unique and useful – and trusting deeply in the value of that. Of course the things we do naturally are the ones we take for granted and balk at actually getting paid for.
Something Eric and I picked up this week was where does Ron fit in all this. I think because his job is hermetically sealed from me, I keep my work hermetically sealed from him. Which is probably to my detriment. I see Ron as an escape, a release, a retreat from my work because he makes me laugh and we cuddle and hang out and watch movies or do stuff. Perhaps I’m not asking more of him (and not taking him up on offer to help). Last night we were walking home from Jewel (after a lengthy ‘where are we gonna eat’ stroll) with a sack of fruits and a frozen pizza and Ron said he thinks I don’t challenge him enough on stuff. I think Ron likes a certain tenacity that I’m not providing. Like he really lit up when Vaughn challenged Ron on his views about Condileeza Rice (Ron admires her for being a minority woman that’s made it to the top, Vaughn says she only had to walk 2 steps since she was already from money).
Another element that came out of my mastermind call with my colleagues was that there is a burning desire for political action. That I’ve resisted it, I’ve denied it. But I was raised to feel like things are in our power to change. And after seeing Gore in his movie, I felt even more so. What would I tour the world giving a presentation on? I think it is the integration of these elements: politics, creativity, technology and marketing… that is the synthesis… and I think that I don’t need to over-analyze it. Just get on with it.
Unabdriged Bookstore has my book in the window along with the stickers ‘Autographed Copy’ and ‘Local Author.’
I get so frustrated with myself and my delaying tactics. My tendency to make mountains out of molehills. Or as Ron would say ‘You’re being OA!’ Which means ‘you’re overacting.’ Or as mom would say, ‘You’re all ate up!’ Or as dad would say, ‘You do this for fun – you’re own personal debasement.’
Echoing all of this personal future introspection is a ton of reading about our global future. I just finished Revolutionary Wealth (the Tofflers) and A Whole New Mind (Dan Pink). These books, coupled with American Theocracy (Kevin Phillips), I think give a great trajectory of the next several decades. I should probably also read Guns, Germs and Steel as well. As China and India become more and more educated they will move beyond manufacturing… what happens when the US is the most uneducated country…? Will the jobs move back here? As every new business popping up in Lakeview is either a bank or a nail salon, I wonder if this is micro echoing the macro. You know how I like whole systems. A Whole New Mind posits that in an era of outsourcing, abundance and automation that when we have all of our survival needs over-met that there is a hunger for finding meaning and self-actualization (paging Dr. Maslow of course). Phillips would warn us that global oil crises and radical religion in the US might throw us back into an intellectual stone age.
I see so many timebombs: oil, pensions, real estate, national debt, household debt, the US dollar, global warming, health care, fundies obsessed with End Times, overpopulation… it’s as if our fruition and abundance is hurling us down hole we might not be able to crawl out of. Maybe I’m just being, as Mr. Garrisson would say, a ‘Negative Nancy.’
Talking with Ron and Vaughn is so valuable. Ron was a kid during the Marcos era in the Phillippines and remembers ditching school to go watch the riots. Vaughn was very active in the anti-Apartheid movement in South Africa.