Now, down to business. Today I’m a Menopausal McRantyPants on the topic of hair loss. Now I know this is a topic near and dear to you male-pattern-weirdness folks out there, but from the female and past-fertility point of view, it’s interesting and cost-efficient rather than horrifying. And it’s not on my head (wait for it)…
I was born with a fine, downy layer of hair covering each arm. Not that you could see, as it was the same color as my skin, but it was thick, and went from wrist to elbow. It wasn’t a pain, it didn’t occasion stares, it was just always there. And as of the dot of my forty-odd’th birthday awhile back, I noticed that suddenly, HOLY SHIT! My arms have no hair! Well, they still do have a bit but nothing like before. Where did it go?
One day I could easily have paid $25 an arm to have it waxed before parties (but never did, as I rather liked having built-in sunblock), and then, suddenly, no hair at all. I can easily tweeze what’s left if I wanted to. It’s so invisible that there’s no point though.
And the hair on my legs – same story. Women spend their whole adult life scraping the stuff off, then figure out we’re not gonna do that anymore on a regular basis for anyone (well, conferences and professional occasions excepted) and then it starts falling out of its own accord. What the fuh???
Now that it doesn’t matter, I get dehaired for free.
I have a theory that as we age, the prunifying starts and you begin to suck inward from the outside. I think all my missing hair is collecting somewhere in my abdomen like the world’s biggest hairball (anyone who has cats knows what I mean by this). At some point it will emerge from some orifice a knitted tea cosy.
To quote George Carlin – “And now to end this affair of the hair, I think I’ll repair to my lair and use Nair….do you care?”
Guard Your Follicles Oh You Pretty Things. Your Comeuppance Is Coming.