monday, november 12

Lots of dreaming lately. I had a dream that my friend Nicole climbed the Empire State building and jumped off of it. Brigitte, Karen and I were on the roofs of surrounding skyscrapers and took the elevators down to see her lying unconscious in a blue car – she’d broken through the roof. She coughed awake and stood up and was fine. I called her later on to recommend she seek some counseling or something or a chiropractor. Another dream – last night – I am with a group of people balancing on a black rough stone disk floating in the middle of the ocean at night time during thunderstorm – we’re trying to keep the disk balanced by moving around and distributing our weight. One by one we fall off. I fall backwards into the black cold water and it’s like I’m falling out of a pool of water. At this point I become conscious that I’m dreaming and I try to start doing things – I wake up. Something about a dog’s mouth and a tooth piercing my right index finger. Very strange.

I currently weigh 158 – going to try and break 160 by the end of Thanksgiving – shouldn’t be too hard since I’m going home and we’ll have the usual eat-fest. And then what? I get my body fat down to 6% and then what? Am I expecting to win some sort of prize? That once I can see all six of my abs I will reach some sort of nirvana? I’ll be done? Then I’ll find something new about my appearance to obsess about… I guess it all goes to a deep seated thought that You’re not good enough.

What if you believed all the wonderful things people said about you instead of always being suspicious and questioning their motives?

What if you were as amazing, talented, handsome, strong, dynamic and un-stoppable as others perceive you?

What if you stopped giving a shit about your day-job and made peace with the fact that it’s never going to feed your soul and focus instead on migrating to a life that does?