On page 13 of this week’s Dallas Observer, the Full Frontal page, I found something that couldn’t go unblogged. So here it is for your reading pleasure.
Dallas Observer, Volume 25, Number 4, page 13
James Dobson, founder of Focus on Family, recently blasted Spongebob Squarepants (yeah, you read that right) for promoting homosexuality to children. To many, it seemed a little-how do you say?-insane. Not Full Frontal. We think Dobson is a hero for finally standing up to the pro-cartoon media. They’ve been protecting SpongeBob’s sexual proclivities for far too long. Come on, people-he lives in a pineapple under the sea! Read between the lines!
But it goes much deeper than just one yellow sponge. If Focus on Family wants to stamp out the cartoon industry’s pro-homosexuality agenda, it’s going to have its hands full.
Forget for a moment that Gumby is designed to look like an erect penis. (A green erect penis, sure, but that’s not fooling anyone.) Take a look at the names of Gumby’s “pals”: Pokey, Prickle and Goo. Don’t think we have to spell this one out.
One of the main characters, Batman, guns for the president of NAMBLA with his boy toy Robin-whose real name is Dick, by the way. Plus, they all look a little too comfortable running around in tights.
- Fred from Scooby-Doo
1) He wears an ascot at all times. 2) He’s apparently not getting it on with Daphne, or even Velma. Of course, she’s probably a lesbian.
- Beavis and Butt-head
Technically not aimed at kids-but who do they think they’re kidding?-B & B are two typical self-loathing homosexuals. Which still means they are very, very gay.
He’s so bitchy, he’s practically auditioning for Carson’s role on Queer Eye.
- The Smurfs
Yes, they’re three apples high. But that doesn’t make them kid-friendly. Just short. Look at it this way: There’s one girl in the entire village, and something like a few dozen guys. You know what has a similar demographic breakdown? Prison. We all know what happens in prison.
- Barney Rubble
This little fireplug scored one of the hottest wives in all of cartoondom. Yet who does he hang out with at all hours? Fred Flintstone. So what does that make Betty Rubble? It’s called a “beard.”
- Boo Bear
Long-running debate: Is he Yogi Bear’s son or friend? Neither. He’s his underage lover. Despicable.
- Pepe LePew
Not obvious, since this horny skunk is always on the prowl for a willing female. But take another look: More often than not, the “female” he’s pursuing turns out to be male. LePew rarely, if ever, seems bothered by this.
- Ren & Stimpy
The creator of this show has even said that he was surprised Nickelodeon would air a series about a gay couple. As are we, sir. As are we.
- Bugs Bunny
In almost every episode, for some convoluted reason, Bugs winds up in women’s clothing. Which, fine, it’s a comedy tradition, whatever. We’ll let that slide. But Bugs also married his longtime nemesis, Elmer Fudd, which we all know is not only unconstitutional, it’s just plain wrong. We’re pretty sure he also got hitched to Yosemite Sam at some point.