A survivor of domestic abuse explains what happens next:
“He doesn’t think you can make your own decisions. He doesn’t want you to be able to, either.
he would rather pay me the same amount to not work and stay home/stay with him.
He would rather sacrifice money to have you as personal property in his control.
I’d be relying in him to give me my “allowance”. What if he decides he’s not happy with me, I just end up out of pocket?
It takes away all of your financial independence.
1) This is his intent, and your danger. Abusers aren’t just fucked from day one, or even year one. They show their true colors once they have you financially and emotionally stranded.
He is saying he wants your time to the point of paying for it. Not only are you now his whore, but there’s another level… Do you hang out with friends without him? Is it a problem if you do? Does it make him feel like he isn’t important, or that it’s taking too much time away from him? This may not have popped up yet, but once he is the sole breadwinner I can garun-fucking-tee that you won’t be seeing friends or family without him, and only when he’s okay with it.
2) you are neither smart, or an equal in his eyes. Look back at arguments. I don’t doubt that he compares himself to you… He already did that with finances.
3) I bet you really feel like he loves you. I bet he’s really good at making you feel that way… Just a little less so recently. Come to think of it, I bet a lot less recently. It’s not that he’s making you feel worse, he’s just worrying about your needs less. All those romantic things you love him for are from quite a while ago.
4) you’re going to stand strong, and he’s going to try to make it up to you romantically if he’s a good abuser, but something like this doesn’t rear it’s head in a normal relationship in the first place. He is going to be sweet as pie for a few days, or maybe even weeks if he works hard, until he’s annoyed that you still aren’t doing what he wants.
Am I crazy for being pissed off about this?
No, but it’s crazy scary that this is something you’re asking. It should be obvious, especially when you’re saving up for a house with him that he can’t even wait to financially isolate you in order to expedite getting a house faster.
Leave. This is fundamental, and he will not change, only hide it until you’re in his control. His intent is clear even if you don’t want to believe it. I’m sorry, and I try to rarely advocate leaving, because this sub is where you go to seek solutions, not to be told to throw in the towel. The difference here is that at this point the cheetah has shown it’s spots, and anything he does now is trying to hide them. He is waaay too sneaky about what he’s doing.
A normal person who respects you might offer you the choice to be a stay at home spouse or mom if you want it… But he’s trying to pay you to do it, getting mad that you’re trying to support yourself like he’s pointed out that you don’t do as much as he does, and is telling you that he won’t even allow you to do certain things for independence, even if it means financing a future together. You can’t win.
You are going to be controlled and abused by him. Remember, abusers must lure you in first with seemingly beautiful acts of love and kindness. Nobody thinks they’ll let themselves get into a relationship like that, but you’re going down that path right now. You need to get out. By the time it’s bad you won’t have friends, family, or money to turn to in order to escape.
Even if you don’t leave, build a financial safety net that he doesn’t know about or control. Sadly, many will not heed advice to get out when the signs are in plain red lights spelled out for you. Denial is a powerful thing. At least make a safety net for yourself so you aren’t powerless when the time comes.”
Graphic from http://www.domesticpeace.com/
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