Astro the Viking

Astro and Downy just had another schoolgirl paw-slapping fight. Again, Astro pulls back a paw and he’s got a wad of Downy fur in in his claws (don’t worry: Downy is long hair and so remains unscathed). Astro then stares down Downy and eats Downy’s fur in front of him. That is some Viking, Vlad-the-Impaler, […]

US Automaker Halts Production of Neck Belts

From The Onion archives in 1997: (click through for very funny photo) Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts: “In the case of collision, it would appear that the neckbelts have a detrimental effect on overall passenger safety,” read a statement released by the company Monday. The recall, the most expensive in Chrysler’s history, goes into effect […]

Hitler Took Strychnine Pills for Chronic Farts

Well this explains everything doesn’t it?   Spasmodic stomach cramps, constipation and diarrhea, possibly the result of nervous tension, had been Hitler’s curse since childhood and only grew more severe as he aged. As a stressed-out dictator, the agonizing digestive attacks would occur after most meals: Albert Speer recalled that the Führer, ashen-faced, would leap […]

How Not to Pick Up Asian-American Women

Via Angry Asian Man: 1) Where are you really from? “I really am from Texas, and I don’t care where your Asian ex-girlfriend was really from, either.” 2) Do you … speak any other languages? “Nice try. Unless we’re having a deep conversation about linguistics while the maitre d’ decants our Malbec, stop asking me […]