Cake Countdown

I decided to leave the house early today since I’ll be doing a whole slew of calls until about 9 tonight. Teleclass went great last night – had 20-some people call in which is so exciting. Every time I hang up after a teleclass, I remember all the stuff I should have talked about. But got some emails in from folks that said that it sounded good and they liked my energy. Which was much better than the podcast I recorded this morning. I’ve been waffling about doing a business-y podcast or more of a personal/political one. I’m not totally sure yet.

My podcasting course I’m writing is about 85% done – I’m going to read through it again while I’m here and make some notes. Not much client work to do this week just yet.

Ron and I got our haircuts on Sunday – I think about how my personal style has changed since I’ve been with Ron. I’m getting a little weary of always wearing workout clothes and feel slovenly the more I wear hoodies as my main cover. Of course, my mom would wince if she hear me call them hoodies – she can’t stand that. But it makes me laugh because Ron pronounces it ‘hooties.’

There have been a ton of new entries into the ‘business bloggers’ field. Part of me reacts into a scarcity mode of there’s not enough business or attention for everyone out there. I have a jealous streak that I’m trying to tame – or at least – let it run its course faster.

Yeah – I’m tired of wearing track pants. I think it is the chafing sound they make when I walk. Though that is a sign that my legs are getting bigger.

Ron is in the air – on his way back from London. He gets in this afternoon. I figure he’ll sleep all evening and then we’ll have dinner.

I’m flying home for the weekend for my birthday. The Vegas trip that Alan and I had planned dissolved when nobody signed up to go with us, then Ron is on standby and my job-loss hastened my decision to not go. I figure I’ll have dinner individually with my friends and then I net a whole bunch of free dinners. Sure, I’d originally envisioned a raucous gathering ,but this might be a welcome change. I hate to be demanding about my birthday – it all just seems sort of ridiculous to me. Some friends go apeshit if you don’t make their birthday – the actual day – not just near to the date – a big celebration. I think it is sort of demanding to expect that of people – especially as we all get older and get more adult responsibilities and schedules. I’m going to go home and be with mom and dad – my sister might drive up. It is like New Year’s – I’d rather watch the clock change alone and reflect silently than make a big to-do.

It has been a strange 30 years. I came out 5 years ago this week. I had wanted to come out to mom and dad on my 25th birthday but that ended up being Easter Sunday and I didn’t want to ‘ruin Easter forever’ – in case it went badly. So I came a week early and did it and it wasn’t a huge bombshell – more of a new perspective to be absorbed. I originally came out bisexual to mom and dad – sometimes I think that is still the most completely accurate. But when you’ve had a boyfriend for nearly four years – it looks like you’re in it for the long haul.

At times, I am glad that I didn’t uncover things until after college. I would have gotten so much less done if I were out and about. I think I’ve always converted sexual passion into creative energy. I think they are one and the same.

There has been a mourning of creative loss for me as I’ve left theatrical endeavors. I was talking with Richard about this – the idea that theatre is no longer a mass media like it was in the middle ages – that it is shooting too low. Too local. We have access to global multimedia distribution channels for pennies. But, ask me again in a year and I may feel totally different.

On the other hand, my creativity has been hugely active in creating my blogging business and training seminars. I am a loose cannon on teleclass calls and always have them rolling in the aisles. Sometimes it takes them a bit to realize I’m kidding when I say really deadpan things. And I’ve got play ideas bubbling in my brain. I need to get back to those if only to quiet my addled cranium.

Ron and I have been a wonderful strange trip. Sometimes I feel like there is too much ease in our relationship. We don’t argue very much. I don’t feel this huge massive weight to our relationship. Sometimes I worry about that. Other times it seems like the best way for things to be. I think our time apart is what makes our time together better. I’ve been in a very intellectual frame lately so I’m probably not giving him the full attention he deserves but I’m really doing a lot of heavy build out.

I wish this guy behind me would shut the fuck up and stop talking on his goddamn cellphone. “They wouldn’t tell me who and I don’t know and I said to her and I said why don’t you get your stuff and take a trip out and then I’ve been telling them that for once we need to put a plan together but at this point we start focusing on making them feel the way that well…” I want to throttle him. Plus, his lateral lisp is really pissing me off.

I didn’t get my workout plans where I’d hoped by this time. Eating better is more regular – though not regular enough. Went running for the first time on the lake on Saturday. Hadn’t been out there in years. It was nice. I found myself in the middle of a child abuse marathon.

Or rather a marathon for child abuse. It wasn’t a bunch of parents beating their children all day. It was people running as a fundraiser.

I put it in another health insurance application yesterday. It is for Blue Cross Blue Shield. I usually get rejected because of the depression – which is so not a massive problem anymore. But I can’t put that I’m ‘recovered’ since it is ongoing. I mean come on – it is just depression – everybody’s on psychoactives these days. If I can just get some kind of coverage if I have some kind of emergency, I’ll be pleased.

I hadn’t seen spinning rims in such a long time until Ron and I were coming out of the gym one night. Of course the truck’s stereo was thunderous. Why don’t you just burn your money in the middle of the street? But you know me, I think conspicuous consumption is revolting.

The Oklahoma City bombing was today. I remember the surprise that this was an internal attack from Americans. That was the first thing I thought during 9-11 was it was another internal attack by people that looked just like us.

It is also the anniversary of the Waco raid. I always wondered what it was like to be locked in a building with your messiah and he is telling you that now is the end and your time is up.

I wonder where I’ll be in five years.

Expect more of this type of reflection over the next few days. Overall I think the birthday is a great thing – it gets better every year.