Americans: The Sorest Losers of All

Mark Morford:

It’s still our most favorite idea, the thing our own childlike president loves to talk most about, burned into our national consciousness like a bad tattoo: We always win. We’re the good guys. We’re the chosen ones. We’re the goddamn cavalry, flying the flag of truth, wrapped in strip malls and Ford pickups and McDonald’s franchises. Right?

Wrong. If Vietnam’s aftermath proved anything, it’s that we are incredibly crappy losers. We deny, we reject, we evade and ignore and refuse responsibility until it becomes so silly and surreal even the staunchest warmonger has to cringe in embarrassment. At this point, it seems nearly impossible for America to accept defeat with anything resembling perspective and dignity and the understanding that maybe, just maybe, we ain’t all that saintly and ain’t all that perfect and maybe God really isn’t necessarily on our side after all, because if God took sides she wouldn’t actually be, you know, God.

6 thoughts on “Americans: The Sorest Losers of All

  1. samir

    cant say i love america, after all most major conflicts around the world post WWII have either been started of excascerbated by the USA, ive got nothing against the american people who i believe are just as nice as the canadians, the vietnamise, the iraqis etc… but if you ask me america tops the rankings in financial aid given to terrorist states the world over!

  2. T.Dalton

    Well, i’ve worked all over the world, but i have a special place in my heart for Americans.

    I remember when i was on the set of ‘The Last Action Hero’ (a cameo apperance alas) and that teutonic troll Swarchenegger came swaggering in covered in fake blood and carrying a dismemberd arm.

    “Timmy!” he roared, “vipe me down!”
    Biting back my disgust at his request (and his mangling of the english language) i proceeded to rub a moist towlet over his thobbing vieny body until he was as clean on the outside as he was dirty on the inside.

    “Yah Timmy! Now i vant some Wiener Schnitzel!” He screamed like a tanned, bloated baby. “put it in to the mouth!”

    When i hestitated he began to slap me with his mostrous, paddle-like hands sending me flying from one side of the room to the other while the leather-like skin streched back over his face in a rictus of pleasure. It was a face that those familiar with the suffocation scene in Total Recal would recognise.

    “Haha! You do stupid dance, English pigdog! But i not see Schnitzel!”

    With that he towel whipped me into unconsciousness, and the last thing i saw before the blackness overwhelmed me was his tightly packed genitals quivering in the breeze.

    The film flopped and he has since become fat. Thank you America.

  3. Geraldine M. Burrr

    I’m not sure what that has to do with the subject.
    Arnie is an immigrant and not even American so he can’t be held up as a template for all the good citizens of the US.

  4. Jon

    If you ask me I fucking hate America. Not the American people (well not hate anyway) but I do hate Bush. He is a fucking idiot and always says that he wants to do this, that or the other for the safety of the United States. “I wanna get rid of terrorism for the safety of the American people” etc – WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD YOU FUCKING CLUELESS REDNECK PRICK.

    I think America is just a bad idea. The country is so big, and so absorbed in itself that everyone who lives there is blissfully unaware of anyone else on this planet.

    Take for example when you see american tourists: why do they always have to shout? Just talk to each other instead of shouting. I was on a bus once, and an american family got on and decided to spread across the bottom floor of the whole bus – there was only 5 of them and loads of space. They couldnt sit together and talk – no, instead everyone had to put up with them shouting across the bus “HEY GUYS, WE GOT 2 OPTIONS, WHAT DO WE WANNA DO? GET OFF AT THE NEXT STOP AND WALK TEN MINUTES TO THE ZOO, OR WAIT 20 MINUTES FOR THE NEXT BUS? WHAT WE GONNA DO?” after much shouting they decided to wait for the bus.

    I have to say though, the message is finally getting through, as I met some really nice americans on holiday who said that everyone hates americans – Yes, yes we do.

    Another example of how annoying, rude, arrogant, brash americans are: I was queuing to check in for a flight whe a family of americans were holding everyone up. They were at the back of the queue then when the adjacent checkin desk opened up, the whole fat family RAN to the newly opened checkin desk. But, to make matters worse, the morons never thought about their excess baggage and took about 20 minutes whilst they decided to unpack their cases at the front of the line trying to rearrange the contents to make them lighter, only to realise that the overall weight is still going to be the same – yes even though they are spread evenly across all ten cases.

    And in venice once, an american so scared of foreign culture that she wouldnt eat in any of the hundreds of pizzerias or restaurants and asked me with a face of severe concern “where’s mcdonalds?”

    I’m not tarring all americans with the same grotty brush, but on the whole I dont like americans – you are all bunch of morons.

    I do however like american music, movies and some of your comedy (most comedy from america is full of canned laughter and is generic american shit).

  5. Jon

    I must add one thing, from my travels I have found that all australian women are hot, Hot, HOT!!!!!

    I would say about 99% of australian women have bodies like a bronzed goddess – and I’m a gay man, i shouldnt even be into that sort of thing!

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